The Cathedral

[I wrote this segment on February 15 but left it unpublished until now. A huge work-related upheaval had played itself out earlier in the week, which I will explain further below.]

One of the blogs I follow is Adventures of a Horse-Crazed Mind, a prolific fellow British Columbian with a wonderful voice. The following passage was taken verbatim from a recent post of her's about learning to overcome a fear of horses.

"Why would I ride horses, if not for the love and reverence that their fleet limbs and heart inspires within my own? If not for the bond that fuses me to him- so that when he runs, pure of mind and ardor, our spirits run together? If not for those heavenly moments wherein there is no definition between where my body ends and his begins? For the awe of their beauty or for the solace I've found in the touch of a downy muzzle against tear streaked cheek? Horses are for me, absolutely worth any risk their infinite strength or lightening fast reflexes present. To feel that magic is one of the greatest joys in my life...a joy I lost for a little while but thankfully found again. My hope is that on my last day, and on many days in between, I will have been touched by that magic- by a horse."

Charles Darwin said "The rainforest is the cathedral of my religion", I'm paraphrasing but that's pretty close to the quote from his diaries. I'd like to be able to say something profound like -- Missy's stall or the arena is the cathedral of my religion, but alas, I cannot. I don't hear angels singing when I ride, I don't see my own soul in her beautiful brown eyes, and I haven't experienced that heavenly moment Horse-Crazed describes where I lose the sense of where my body ends and her's begins. Maybe 2 1/2 years just isn't enough time. Or maybe I should stop trying to find this mystical connection and let it be what it is.

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I've been floundering of late, adrift in a sea of depression and feeling like I don't do anything in my life well. On the heels of my setback with Missy, this is largely due to the fact that for the first time in my 7 years as a consultant, a client has asked that I be taken off their account. I made a mistake, I take full responsibility for that, but despite my best efforts at damage control the management could not get past it and I will be replaced by another consultant from my company. I'm sure this happens all the time, but not to me. My manager has been supportive and thanked me for the 2 1/2 years of work that I put in at this client, even though apparently that made little difference in their decision.

Nobody is more surprised than me that I ended up in a profession where much of my time is spent working with numbers. I am a words person, always have been and always will be. My job has changed over the last 5 years, and especially over the last 3, becoming more and more of an accounting job. There are still parts of my job that I like, but more and more of it not only do I not like, but I also feel like I am over my head as far as the skills that are required. I could take a few years' worth of accounting classes to get to where I feel I need to be in order to be the expert that I am supposed to be, but I don't see that happening. I do not have an affinity for it and I am not that motivated. This makes me feel like I am spinning my wheels, dreading certain projects or certain clients, and to some extent, a fraud.

I know that this feeling comes directly from my history, I have to be perfect or everyone will see what a terrible person I am. I need to find a way to feel good about my work again, and I know the only way I am going to do that is to find a better situation. Unfortunately the job market is very tight right now, so in the meantime I am going to have to do a better job of taking care of myself and asking for help when I need it, which is very hard for me.

I was able to ride Miss yesterday; between her lost shoe and the weather that's not been possible lately. I was grateful to be able to walk and trot quietly around the arena, reconnecting with my body and my voice to the beautiful creature beneath me.

Like A Circle In A Spiral

Last Sunday we took the dogs down to the beach for our usual walk along the coast. Sorry all of you stuck in the icy grip of winter, but it was absolutely gorgeous and about 72 degrees.

We could hear music as we came around the little building in the picture (which is a surfing museum), which isn't that unusual. When we turned the corner we see a bunch of people dancing while hula-hooping, if you enlarge the picture and look closely you will see a guy holding juggling pins as well. He says to us: FREE HULA HOOP JAM!! Come and join us. Or, you can borrow one of these bikes for a spin!!

I'm guessing that the lady on the far right is a brave tourist who decided to join the locals. About 50 yards away there was a bongo drum circle forming, also a normal occurance in our quirky and wonderful little beach community.

I'm grateful for all the wonderful advice and comments on my last post. My ride after the aforementioned runaway was quiet and uneventful. We have done a lot of work on using the inside circle to slow her down, it just didn't work well when she was galloping and there was nowhere for her to turn other than into a jump. Unfortunately, a few days later she lost a brand-new shoe and I haven't been able to even lunge her since then. Her farrier is in Guatemala tending to his dying mother and our backup farrier has been unavailable all week. Oh well, it rained on and off and I was completely swamped with work all week. I'm looking forward to getting back on her and cantering in a circle for the next few months.

(Bridle) Pathways

Do you ever feel like you're not on the right path? Or wonder where the hell the path you're on is taking you? I feel like that all the time.










Last week, on the 21st, was the two year anniversary of the day I took ownership of Missy. I had a lesson, which have been rare these days, and we cantered in a big circle off the lunge line. I'm learning to be more gentle when I ask and to open my shoulder so it is easier for her to turn, I tend to tense up on the right side when we start going fast. I felt really good and stable in my seat and in control, even though she'd been grumpy the whole lesson.

Two days later we were riding on our own in the big (jumping) arena. I was determined to ride even though I was in a melancholy mood. I rode myself mostly of my funk and wanted to continue our new routine of having her canter for a few steps in each direction at the end of our ride. To the right, perfect: she picked up the right lead, didn't bend to the inside too much, and even slowed to the trot instead of to the walk. So now I'm feeling pretty confident.

And we all know what happens when you start feeling too big for your riding breeches, right? Your horse makes sure you know that they've got your number.

Instead of staying in a big circle at the end of the arena where there aren't any jumps, I decide I want to go all the way around the perimeter. I get onto the straightaway to the left and ask her to canter, she picks it up and for the first few steps everything is fine. Then we pass the first jump and she realizes I'm not going to make her stay in a circle. In an instant, she puts her ears back and kicks into another gear -- now we are full-on galloping. Immediately I start to try to pull her back but instead I end up turning her head to the left, which makes her veer to the inside. Now we are headed straight for an oxer jump with white gate stantions and I think, she's either going to balk or she's going to jump it, either way, I'm bracing to fall. At the last possible second she pulls up and lifts her front hooves over the right hand side stantion. I honestly have no idea how we didn't hit anything. She stops on a dime, snorting and pawing. I guess she had fun. I almost had a heart attack. The girl lunging in the round pen asked if I was OK, apparently she saw the whole thing. "She seems hyper today", she says, and I say something to the effect that she's always like that. "Oh, she always runs out from under you like that?", she says, and instantly I feel like a complete idiot. I mumble something about her being green at the canter and ask Miss to walk.

I get her untacked and curried and settled into her stall and finally sat down on the tack room step and started to cry. I could still taste the metallic flavor of the adreneline in my mouth. I felt like I'd taken a huge step backwards. Isn't that always the way?

525,600 Minutes

How do you measure a year? By any measure, 2008 was not a particularly good time for anyone I know. Having said that, I was fortunate enough to not lose my house in a wildfire that came way too close for comfort, nor have there been any foreclosures in my circle of friends, so at least we all still have a roof over our heads. There have been many disappointments, frustrations and sadnesses, but despite everything I somehow end the year and start this new one with a sense of...dare I say it...hope. Not the trite "yes we can" kind, although I am a supporter of our new president, but rather the personal light-in-the-darkness kind. Following a meme that's going around, here's my synopsis.

List 5 Five Good Things That Happened Last Year:
1. I rode Missy exclusively for the entire year.
2. I became much closer with a girlfriend I've known for a long time, a relationship that's had its ups and downs.
3. I took more pictures...still not as many as I would have liked, but an improvement over the previous year.
4. I went home (to Canada) for the first time in 3 years.
5. I feel much more comfortable and competent with the most challenging parts of my job.

List 3 Bad Things that Happened to You this Year:
1. I lost my best friends.
2. My long-dormant endometriosis raised its ugly head and affected my riding and my state of mind.
3. I spent much of the year fighting depression.

List 5 things you want to do in 2009 - not resolutions just a big picture to do list:
1. Ride more consistently and get Missy out of the arena and more comfortable being in open areas.
2. Go to the World Cup Finals in Las Vegas in April.
3. Write more -- I'd like to start work on something, I'm hesitant to call it a novel but there's definitely a story in my head trying to get out, and also here on my blog as it helps me to process the events of my day-to-day life.
4. Take better care of myself, listen to the cues my body gives me.
5. Ask for help when I need it, try not to live in my head and to speak my mind.

List 3 Lessons you Learned in 2008 - don't have to be related to the bad or good things as long as it was learned in 2008.
1. Things (and people) aren't always what they seem. I keep having to re-learn this year after year.
2. I still have a lot of stuff to work through.
3. I'm a better person than I think I am, my horse told me so.

Most Favorite Read of the Year:
Human Traces by Sebastian Faulks. I'd never read anything by Faulks before and now I am hooked and can't wait to read the rest of his body of work. It was the kind of book that I had to bookmark pages of so I could go back and read passages over again just for the beauty of the language, and it takes a lot to impress me literarily. Bringing together the history of psychiatry with a compelling love story in a historical setting was my cup of tea.

Most Favorite Movie Watched of the Year:
Atonement. Hands down.

Most Favorite Horsey Moment of the Year:
Cantering on Missy after owning her for 2 years and riding her for a year and a half.

Santa ordered me a new helmet for Christmas and it comes with a free matching fleece jacket! I ride English but I wear jeans and brown suede half-chaps, so the black velvet helmet is a bit out of place, besides, this one is a lot more comfortable and has great airflow. I should get it next week. What did Santa bring you?

Raising A Glass

I'm working on a year-end post -- hopefully it will be full of contemplative and revelatory statements, or at least a good helping of snarky, but until then I have wrapping to do and Christmas bark to eat. Please enjoy my favorite picture of our beautiful boys in the meantime, and join me as I raise a glass to toast bloggers everywhere.

Convergence

Last week, not only did the stars literally align (OK they were planets, but that doesn't sound as good), something else happened that's been 25 years in the making: my husband, his father and his son were all together.

The last time D's father saw his grandson he was under 2 years old, he's 26 now. I won't post their picture because I want to respect their privacy, but believe me when I tell you they all look remarkably alike. It must be strange and wonderful to be able to see what you are going to look like at 50 and at 90 just by glancing across the dinner table. Even though D's father is energetic and is still driving and travelling, his is 88, so it was important that we make this meeting happen and that it be documented in pictures. Of course, me being me, I got a little emotional about the gravity of the moment, but nobody else seemed to be affected by it. D's son seemed a little nervous, but you can't fault him for that, I certainly would be!

Triad

Walk, trot, canter. The three basic gaits. Seems simple enough. Just walk, trot, canter, no big deal.

I had gotten to the point where I was very comfortable cantering on the lesson horses and I loved it. My body moving in sync with the horse, the rush of speed, giving the horse her head and letting the reins steer only. When I started riding Miss exclusively I had to take a giant step backwards and really learn how to trot again. Apparently I was right in my assertion that riding the lesson horses was not teaching me how to ride Miss, as it took some time for us to trust each other and learn each other's cues and idiosyncracies. Lately, despite living in a fog of depression I've been feeling like it was time to take a step forward in the arena, so last weekend I asked my trainer if we could put Miss back on the lunge line at the end of my lesson (when she was tired) so I could canter a few steps. As I suspected, she was a little hesitant, as she had not cantered on Miss for several weeks, but I insisted that she was in a good space and I felt confident enough to at least try. Miss was confused, to say the least: why are we putting the lunge line back on? This is weird. Are you SURE you want me to canter? But after a little prompting she took one giant step and we moved into it. She picked up the correct lead, which she does 98% of the time, but more than that, I could tell she was on the right lead. We only went maybe 4 or 5 strides, but she covered more than one circle with that, she has a huge stride and loves to go fast. She slowed to a walk instantly at my whispered command and we praised her lavishly. Then we did it again the other direction and I was more prepared for the transition this time and felt pretty comfortable. Even though all told it was less than 30 seconds, it was a breakthrough. Both me and my trainer were very proud of both of us. I really needed this. Hopefully we'll do it again today at the end of my lesson. After a year and a half of riding her, we reach the mythical triad.

My trainer didn't really let on when I took her what a difficult horse she is to ride, for anyone, never mind a total beginner. That's probably a good thing, my ignorance allowed me to have more confidence than I would have otherwise. I see other people riding their horses and think, wow, that looks a lot easier than riding Miss, but also, a lot less fun. At the canter she is elegant and high-headed and beautiful. I'm just along for the ride.