Jesus, I am such an asshole sometimes. Oh poor me, I wasn’t feeling very well during my vacation. On a houseboat. On a beautiful lake. With my best friends and my husband and my dogs. Oh poor fucking me. One of the diamonds on my tiara is loose, whatever is a girl to do?
First, I have to apologize to the Blond Family. What the fuck do I know about a kindergarten boy? Nada, zip, zero. Yes, he can be exasperating, but I’m pretty sure that’s pretty normal. What right do I have to wish they didn’t have to have him there for the entire vacation? None. What a selfish bitch I can be. If we had a kid OF COURSE we would have brought them. We brought our dogs without asking them.
Where is all this self-loathing and acid coming from? I’m mad at the world.
In the last couple of days we gleefully sent out a link to our vacation pictures to all our friends and family. This morning I got a message from our dear friends in the UK – they lost their new baby over the weekend and promised to be back online after the funeral next week. I am crushed. Obviously I could not have known what they were going through when I sent the pictures (I didn’t even know they were expecting) but I can’t lose this bile in my throat.
I am so very lucky, and I need to stop taking that for granted.
Alison Krauss -- The Scarlet Tide mp3 -- from Cold Mountain
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Donna, don't beat yourself up. First of all, like you said, you didn't know. Second of all, you're still entitled to feel horrible as well. Yes, a loss is sad, but in a way, you sound as if you're going through your own loss and we all grieve differently.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes scare myself at the anger and hatred I have stored up. Most times it's covered by a mask. Don't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there IS a loose diamond in our tiaras - we're all princesses at heart and we all want things from life. Sometimes we don't get them and we have the right to be angry and upset about that - even if it could be worse. You are too hard on yourself. Please don't feel badly about your friends - they understand that you didn't know. I'm sorry for their loss and I'm sorry that you're feeling badly right now. -K
ReplyDeleteHey! What are we for if not a shoulder to cry on? That's what writing these journals is all about. Letting off a little steam once in awhile! Then the real people in our lives won't have to hear it.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up first and foremost. You have a lot going on inside. And honestly, I can't imagine NOT having a mad at the world feeling. Like Statia said, you are still grieving in your own way. It sucks, but that's why we all chose to be women in the first place, right? Oh wait, no we didn't.
ReplyDeleteno matter where we are we can't change our day to day lives, when someone else has a tragedy or has great and happy news our lives still go on, sometimes they match up but most often we're in a different place to them, what I'm saying is someone will always be sad when we're happy and vice versa. don't be hard on you,you didn't know.
ReplyDeletenow I have some super strength super glue here if you want that diamond firmly fixed, only downside is the one next to it may become wonky from the fumes.
donna, sounds like you were going through a rough patch: something you are entitled to do! try not to be so hard on yourself...feeling badly about it seems to me to prove what a decent person you are...
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