Sunday, July 5, 2009

Half Life

Recently I completed my 45th trip around the Sun. I have tried to postpone this inevitable event but, no matter how far I push out my lifespan, I must now regretfully acknowledge that I am...alas...middle-aged. On the outside, if you don't look too closely and I've followed my usual daily regimen of wrinkle cream, moisturizer with sunscreen, foundation, concealer and finishing powder, I could pass for 35 easy. On the inside, I feel very old.

I've made it through many crises in my life, and once again I find myself in the midst of one.

For my birthday I bought myself flowers for my desk and made myself an appointment with my therapist. As in psychologist. I need help. I feel like I am living half a life. I am a half-wife, half-daughter, half-sister and half-friend. I am a horse owner who can't ride. I feel like a burn victim; everything hurts me, emotionally. I can't enjoy anything because everything is connected to some horrible past event, some failure, some regret. I am tired of living this way and I know the only way to stop is to seek professional help. Again. Which also feels like a failure.

The only place I feel like I am at full speed is at work, but that is because I am running as fast as I can just to keep my head above water. I have only been there a month and I fear I am not much help to my co-workers as they are still training me to do my own job. In addition I have the added stress of managing a severely under-performing employee who has been skating for the past two years but because nobody has bothered to document his lack of skills or initiative, I now have to start from scratch to document why I want to replace him. This is the hardest job I've ever had but at least it is all new so I'm not wincing as those burned areas are touched.


  1. It is so perfect of you to take stock on an important birthday. I'm glad you are seeing someone to help you.

    You know that work-thing will feel comfortable just when you aren't looking. It sounds like you are getting there since you have pinned that loser employee.

  2. Don't think of this as a failure. Think of it as progress because you are probably much further along in life and have accomplished more than you are giving yourself credit for. I have those thoughts of being a failure too, far more often than I would admit. When I look at my life as a whole I can see the positives a little more clearly.

    Nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. Everyone needs someone objective and non-judgmental to help us navigate some issues sometimes and it is hard to find such people among friends & family.

  3. Man, I KNEW there was a good reason I was compelled to click by today!
    Don't be so hard on yourself - it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction, w/the therapist & all... Good luck!

  4. I think you gave yourself the perfect birthday present. You recognized that you need to talk to someone who can help you have a healthier outlook. You've had a lot going on this year that has affected your home and work life and these stressors are bound to drag you down. Going to talk to someone might help you recognize that when things don't go the way you want them to, doesn't mean that you are a failure!
    PS: Happy Birthday! Sweet 45!

  5. Happy 45th:) Would you mind if we are a support to each other. I feel like you and I am not sure how to really pull through this. I am single and although I am everyday single...I feel really alone. I have been looking for a job and some way to make money and I feel like I am running out of time and options...please throw some good sense my way and just a way to deal with life the way it is today...I am tired of feeling like I am in a cage and have no control over my circumstances...I have never felt like this before. I need change now and I am not sure how to get it. During this time, could we just support each other virtually?