** Updated: Now with more bad news.
1. One of D's coworkers died over the weekend after suffering a stroke last week. He was 39.
2. One of the cooks at my company's cafeteria was killed in a traffic accident on the way to work this morning.
3. One of our dogs has been diagnosed as hypothyroid. OK, not as bad as the above, but he will have to be on meds for the rest of his life.
I am a realist. I prefer photography over impressionist paintings, fact over fiction and science over fantasy. I have an almost limitless capacity to endure pain and hardship myself, but I do not deal with the sorrows of others well. Especially those I care about.
On Friday I read this. On Saturday I read this. And on Sunday I read this. I cried at each post, trying to wrap my brain around the injustice, the unfairness, the randomness of it all. And I couldn't. D told me last night as I wiped yet more tears away, "Passion is your curse."
I do not believe in a higher power, or a lower one, for that matter. I don't believe in fate, karma or even luck. There are some things we do have some modicum of control over, but mostly it's a big crap shoot. Why do people who've never smoked get lung cancer and die at the age of 44? Why does my iPod play 3 Beatles' songs in a row out of nearly 800 songs on random shuffle? Things don't happen for a reason, shit happens. That's it. We are at the mercy of nature, planetary cycles, biology, things so huge that we can never hope to harness or control them, whether for good or evil.
I've had this unshakable sense of impending doom the past couple of weeks. Every time the phone rings my stomach knots and I furtively glance at my husband, wordlessly telling him he better pick it up, because I'm not going to.
Sometimes I envy people I know who have a strong faith, who believe that good will come to those who do good, despite the nightly news. At times like these, with so much sadness in my little corner of this big blue planet, it's pretty tough to feel optimistic. Anyone know of any good news?