Monday, March 27, 2006

Reality Bites

** Updated: Now with more bad news.

1. One of D's coworkers died over the weekend after suffering a stroke last week. He was 39.
2. One of the cooks at my company's cafeteria was killed in a traffic accident on the way to work this morning.
3. One of our dogs has been diagnosed as hypothyroid. OK, not as bad as the above, but he will have to be on meds for the rest of his life.
I am a realist. I prefer photography over impressionist paintings, fact over fiction and science over fantasy. I have an almost limitless capacity to endure pain and hardship myself, but I do not deal with the sorrows of others well. Especially those I care about.

On Friday I read this. On Saturday I read this. And on Sunday I read this. I cried at each post, trying to wrap my brain around the injustice, the unfairness, the randomness of it all. And I couldn't. D told me last night as I wiped yet more tears away, "Passion is your curse."

I do not believe in a higher power, or a lower one, for that matter. I don't believe in fate, karma or even luck. There are some things we do have some modicum of control over, but mostly it's a big crap shoot. Why do people who've never smoked get lung cancer and die at the age of 44? Why does my iPod play 3 Beatles' songs in a row out of nearly 800 songs on random shuffle? Things don't happen for a reason, shit happens. That's it. We are at the mercy of nature, planetary cycles, biology, things so huge that we can never hope to harness or control them, whether for good or evil.

I've had this unshakable sense of impending doom the past couple of weeks. Every time the phone rings my stomach knots and I furtively glance at my husband, wordlessly telling him he better pick it up, because I'm not going to.

Sometimes I envy people I know who have a strong faith, who believe that good will come to those who do good, despite the nightly news. At times like these, with so much sadness in my little corner of this big blue planet, it's pretty tough to feel optimistic. Anyone know of any good news?


  1. Donna,
    I understand too well. Shit happens. There are no rules.

    We have the same belief system, you and I, and the same passion. Thanks for reinforcing that with me.

    Believe it or not, I once did a Sunday school lesson on that - Ecclesiastes is the shit happens book of the Bible vs. Proverbs, the rules-oriented, everything has it's place book. I used paintings and art history with my lesson.

    I should blog that some time. It kind of bridges the believers and nonbelievers. Even though I've switched camps, the lesson still holds true. The world is made up of Proverbs people and fewer of us are Ecclesiastes people.

  2. I have a strong faith but it doesnt stop shit happening.I know what you mean about not answering the ph cos it may be something bad..I go thru that too.I suffer from depression and when Im sick with a tummy bug or something I find that Im weaker mentally and spiritually.I try to stay strong and usually achieve it but everyone has days when they cant do it..whatever *it* is.
    Nice blog,I will be back:)

  3. I'm pretty much on the same page as you - even down to the sense of impending doom lately.

    Despite not believing that God or fate dictates my life, I am usually pretty optimistic, so I am just waiting for a turnaround to come. Anytime soon would be good.

  4. I gotta say I choked up at the blog entries you linked. They brought back heart-breaking memories for me personally. I was never the same and it was the beginning of my road that led me to being an athiest.

  5. I can't remember now how I found your blog, but I felt like commenting.

    The blog entries you linked to and all the bad news you mentioned are just so heartbreaking. It would be so nice to hear some good news for a change, wouldn't it?

  6. Hi Donna
    I'm hypthyroid as well (this is the second time I've compared myself to a dog this week - I've got to stop this).
    Anyway, it's a drag having to have medicine everyday and it's easier to give to myself then to a dog but you get used to it. Give your pup a hug from me - we hypothroid types need to stick together.

  7. I'm sorry it's such a shit week for you. Hopefully it'll get better now that we're over the hump.

  8. Dearest Donna... I know what you mean about feeling darkness all around... and after last week, well... if you read my latest entries, I am questioning my faith a bit. This has shaken me to the core.

    Yet, for me... I have always felt that good and evil exist as forces in the world. Evil would like us to feel nothing but the dispair, the tragedy, the uncertainty of life... and so I feel we must fight against that, or we will succumb completely to evil.

    I don't mean 'The Devil' by evil, I'm not some sort of holy roller, far from it... but I think it's there.

    I always loved the StarWars films because they did such a great job of depicting the good and dark forces of the world.

    So, even though I am angry at God and questioning how and why this could have happened to me... I feel I must prevail on the side of positivity, or all will be lost. I feel it's a battle we all wage inside of us and I always hope that people will choose the light/good side...

    But, I didn't come here to proselytize and I completely respect that your beliefs are different from mine.

    I just think you're an awesome person and I hate to see you feel any more pain than you already have.

    Good things do happen. Spring does come after the long winter. Flowers bloom. Somewhere, babies are born and people love, instead of hate. Life will always be painful. But Life will always show us joy as well. Just look into your dog's eyes and you will know this is true... I hope... :P

    Hugs from me...

  9. {{{{Donna}}}}} Thank you so much for the support you've given me. I may be angry at God now, but I know that there must be a reason somewhere along the ay for losing this baby. It has made me realize that I need to get myself back in shape physically and maybe that was part of the problem to begin with. Who knows? In any event, I don't know if I am going to be willing to try again but if I do, I want to be in much better shape so as soon as I get the Ok from the doctor I am going to post the weight ticker and would like all the support I can get from you all in getting this weight off and moving forward.

    I can't look back as it will only depress me. All I can do is move forward to a better place and hope that in time I can find the answers to all my questions.

    Thank you or being there!

  10. charlie's momMarch 30, 2006 at 7:10 PM

    I gave up on divine plans a long time ago. If there is one, we are too dumb to figure it out. Personally, I just try to take comfort and strength in in God and know that I will come out the other side. Sometimes I'm hanging by my fingernails.

    I guess I'm saying not everything has an answer?

    It was terrible to read of all those losses. I'm so sorry for them.

  11. So sorry for all your recent losses and painful occurances.
    Life is difficult and sometimes
    it makes no sense.
    Hang in there.

  12. I want your next post to be full of GOOD NEWS..ok?

  13. Sorry about the string of bad news. I wish I had something good to report, but nope, I got nothin'. Hang in there, things are bound to get better.

    BTW - Thanks for the post. I will have to add your new blog to my blog.

  14. That impending doom feeling is awful. And it sounds like you had a pretty crappy week, with a lot of bad news about friends and coworkers. And your dog. I think that's all the bad news you can handle right now.
    Good news: daylight savings starts this weekend. An extra hour of sunshine!