Every time something happens to dredge up the muck from my childhood I think I am prepared...I've been wearing rubber boots for many years now. But somehow, despite the armor I constantly don, I am hurt, again. Now April 17 has been added to several other days every year when I have to reach out for support and reach inside for strength. You'd think the death of someone who caused me so much grief would be a welcome reprieve. Perhaps if I felt like any kind of resolution had been reached between us I would at least be able to grieve like other family members. Instead, I either feel nothing, or I am angry and hurt. My only consolation is that, if he ever abused his daughters, or later, if he were abusing his step-daughter, or had contemplated it, the cycle has been broken.
Tomorrow, April 18, marks the 100th anniversary of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake and fire. Visit the 1906 Earthquake Centennial Alliance for information on events and activities in the Bay Area this week, and for some very valuable earthquake preparedness tips. There is even a ballet entitled "Earthquake" being performed by Diablo Ballet.
The brick street twisted under the pressure from the earthquake causing the trolley rails to separate and raise from the ground. Photo courtesy of the Oakland Museum of California.
San Francisco City Hall in ruins. Photo by W.C. Mendenhall from the USGS Library.
We're not ready for the next "big one", there really isn't any way to be truly ready for a cataclysmic event, and that goes for personal catastrophes as well.
Has it been a year already?!
ReplyDeleteThe cycle HAS been broken.
You'll probably always have reminders that will piss you off, but just know, that every little girl is now safe from him, even if his cycle stopped with you.
It was so nice to see you the other night...
ReplyDeleteAt least you confronted and outed him before his death. That didn't happen in the case of my brother, and I don't know what the ramifications of that might be. What you did was extremely brave and powerful and I believe you earned 2 tons of karma by doing so.
If he has harmed anyone else in your immediate circle, perhaps there will be a way for you to help them in the future. Having someone to say 'yes, I believe you' when they need to confess that is so important.
I'm thinking of you on this anniversary and sending you good thoughts and mostly, a big hug.
You are a STRONG person and I hope that knowing that brings you some comfort. Here's a hug!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on you surviving another year.
ReplyDeleteThose are some cool pictures. I'd never thought to celebrate any catastrophe like that.
I am sorry, Donna. You HAVE had to deal with so much. But you are right, if nothing else, this means the cycle is broken.
ReplyDeleteAs for the earthquakes stuff...they are talking about this so much on the news now, I am getting a bit freaked out. I actually called Dan the other night and told him I was scared. I mean, what if it causes a tsunami? You know how I feel about those. UGH!
((HUGS))
You're so right when you say you can't be prepared for the next catastrophe - personal or otherwise. I think you're so amazingly strong and good for having survived far more than your share of them. As time moves along, I hope your anger and hurt dissipate, and your toes get to come out of those boots and feel the sun.
ReplyDeleteA year has passed and you are sitll here, fighting and raging (in a good way!). You are such an inspiration to me and others. Stay well, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThose unresolved things are always the trickiest. But if the cycle has been broken, I am happy for that too.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we grieve because there are things left unsaid, or things we think of over time that need to be said, only the person isn't there to lob them over the fence to.
ReplyDeleteI envy your strength.
You are a brave woman, who has been through a lot and still manages to support others and thrive. Take care of yourself during this grim anniversary week.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Donna... I am so sorry that you so recently experienced an anniversary of such a tragedy. Siigggh... I suppose one never does get OVER such things... but we do eventually learn to live with them.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
A year already, Donna? This has been some year for you, hasn't it?
ReplyDeleteAs for disaster preparedness, I kick myself every time these kinds of things happen as I am NOT in the least prepared. I've done my research, I have my pet emergency kit started, but I'm not even sure how do turn off the gas to the house! While you can't be 100% prepared, you can do the best you can.
Donna,
ReplyDeleteI didn't experience the exact same thing but the result was similiar. For me the death was anti-climatic of sorts. I had thought how much my life would change after and it didn't. I had healed long before.
In your case I think you are right, the cycle has been broken.
And P.S....isn't Sandy the best? I love her to pieces.
It's hard being strong and being a survivor, but that fact that you keep going on says that it may not be easy, but you're doing it.
ReplyDeleteAnd, it may sound crass, but I'm glad the cycle has been broken.