Sunday, February 4, 2007

Waxing Philosophical

I need to get into the habit of writing down my thoughts on a daily basis, I often find myself writing bits and pieces of blog posts in my head as I’m driving and then I lose them when I get home.

The job transition continues. I gave back my (ancient) laptop and access card to Large Software Company last week. I hadn’t been in the office for a couple of weeks and my team knew that was going to be my last day, how silly of me to expect that after four years I would get…I don’t know…anything? I wasn’t expecting a party, but geez, if it were my teammate who was leaving I would have made a little bit of an effort, perhaps a card or even lunch. Oh well. The whole thing was very anti-climatic and honestly, that helped to make me feel less sad.

I have a verbal offer for salary from the consulting company and it was more than I had hoped, but more in line with what I should have been expecting, had I more belief in myself. I’ve been struggling with a software program that I recommended, as have the accountants that also need to get output from it, so I’m playing referee between the vendor and my clients within the company. As I am neither an accountant nor a programmer, I feel I am ill-equipped for this position, but I am learning a lot.

I finished reading She’s Come Undone. This was one of the hardest books I’ve ever read, even harder than Lucky. Lucky was about one event, the author’s rape, but Undone dipped into My List so many times I felt like I was being sucker punched every other night. Just goes to show you that my story could in fact be a novel.

I continue to fall more in love with my horse every time I see her. She’s a petting zoo pony in a thoroughbred’s body, so affectionate and trusting; I would even go so far as to call her cuddly. At least with me. Her two sisters are high-strung, high-maintenance and classic mares, moody and sometimes bitchy. I bought the used Pessoa my trainer found me, it should be here tomorrow. If I keep it I will post a picture.

I was disappointed in my lesson today. I missed my lesson last week because the rings were too muddy. Every time that happens I spend more than half the next lesson just getting to where I was last time. I can canter OK on my own at an easy speed, but the moment the horse steps it up a bit I’m bouncing all over the place and losing my stirrups. I know, I just need more practice. But now I have a huge incentive to get better, faster. I take Missy out of her stall and put her in the cross ties, groom her, walk her around the farm and let her graze, I even walked and trotted next to her in the big ring today, but I am nowhere near ready to ride her. Patience is not one of my strong points.

I am thoroughly enjoying being at the farm every chance I get, and I already feel like much more of a part of the community there now that I am an owner. The vast majority of the riders there are women (in addition to the owner and the trainer) and that’s part of what makes it such a magical place. In fact, the only men usually on the property are the barn hands!

I have been noticing that I’ve been more conscious of the little things lately. The spider web in the corner of the pig stall is beautiful. The old red bicycle propped up against the tree on my way home catches my eye and I smile. The clouds make a technocolor splash across the sky. I am in awe of the incredible dichotomy of the horses, so powerful and so fragile at once. My computer calls to me less. But since it is the medium into which I write, I will try to heed the call more often.


  1. Dear Donna, that was a beautiful post. I'm so glad that things seem to be coming together for you.

    As for not getting acknowledgment from your old co-workers, that's weird and sad. Some people do not have a clue how to behave with off-site workers, even if they're an important and appreciated part of the company.

  2. The several barns I've boarded in are always the very best places to be in my day. The women and their horses. Plenty of sharing, either advice on horse maintence or sadness of loss. Magical acceptance. Our own "corner bar" after work.

  3. Beautiful. You sound like you're falling in love: eyes open and aware, finding beauty and peace, and still coupled with dashes of fear, sadness, and anxiety for what's to come.

  4. I am enjoying how positive your posts are these days! I'm guessing that your new horse has quite a bit to do with that. I can hear it through your words how happy you are with her.
    I was wondering how you liked the book as I'd noticed you were reading it. I read it years ago and last summer also listened to it on audio tape. It certainly is one of those books that I think many women can relate to. I found it very interesting that it was written by a man too.

  5. I got this in an email today, and I thought of you!

  6. Donna, some people are just thoughtless and clueless- don't take the behaviour of your co-workers personally. Am glad you have a good offer waiting. And so pleased you're enjoying your beautiful horse - and noticing the little details and beauty all around!

  7. Where have I been?

    Congratulations on acquiring a horse! I'm sure your peaceful observations are partly due to the calm she brings to your life.