Sunday, April 22, 2007

Comments on the Comments

I’m now able to type with both hands, I just can’t use the broken finger, so I am typing like my Dad at the moment. Many things are difficult; it’s more frustrating than painful. My darling husband helped me wash and dry my hair last night, what a sweetheart.

Going back to my Death and Taxes post, Callie advised against taking the drug I mentioned. In truth when I said I’d be willing to try it that was more for the purposes of the post than a pre-cursor to a phone call to my doctor. It would be interesting to have insight into how my thinking patterns on everyday life would be different if everything wasn’t filtered through the dark lenses of my past, but I’m far too concerned about side effects to actually take a drug like that. Drug use was a part of my abuse; also my own history of being misdiagnosed and given inappropriate and/or dangerous drugs and my mother’s hypochondria and rampant prescription drug addiction make me very hesitant to take any drug.

Cricket referenced specific treatments for PTSD. According to his bio, my last therapist is a member of the California Psychological Association, Obsessive Compulsive Foundation and EMDR International Association, and is certified as a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Expert in Traumatic Stress and Addictions Counselor. He did some EMDR sessions with me (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and they were helpful. At the time I was basically house-bound with panic attacks and depression, and he brought me back to functioning again. Most of the time I feel quite normal, presenting what I think are normal responses to sad, stressful or happy events, but when the deep recesses are accessed through a trigger I just have to wade through it. This will be a lifelong pattern.

Sarah thanked me for being brave enough to talk about things so personal in such a public forum. I appreciate the comment but in truth I don’t feel brave at all, I feel selfish. The Mother Voice in my head starts berating me -- Who the hell wants to hear about your crap? You’re just looking for sympathy! Get over yourself, etc.

For a very long time I kept many many secrets, fearful of the repercussions of talking, so talking or writing about my experiences is liberating and cathartic. I’m not here to be a poster child for anything, but I also know from living inside the cage that it can be helpful to others to hear or read about a similar story to their own, to know, as Rising Rainbow and Sally indicated, that you are not alone.

I have a couple more posts in the works, both good news, but for today I will leave you with some more spring flowers, purple-themed.


  1. I am glad you gave EMDR a name for me. I will be trying that soon as a supplement. Instead of the hypno/talk stuff your therapist is licensed in, do consider something else: EEG Neurotherapy and Alpha Theta Training. It does wonders and I am a tough case.

    Here is a small description:
    [L]ets contrast the more familiar talk therapy with neurotherapy. When people with untreated PTSD talk about the trauma, or experience anything that restimulates it, they are retraumatized. The trauma seems to have been erroneously stored in the present memory locations and their brains don't differentiate restimulation from reoccurrence. The reason talk therapy lacks effectiveness with this population is because patients can't talk about it without reexperiancing it. Many patients, on an almost unconscious level, eventually pretend they're over it to avoid being traumatized and just decide to go on with life attempting to avoid restimulation.

    Here are more links:

    It really does work. Among other things, I can now narrow out intrusive thoughts so that a trigger doesn't go full blown.

  2. I'm glad that you're feeling better. It's interesting to hear what cricket has to say about hypno/talk stuff since that's how I waded through all of my issues and I'm sure that I was considered to be a tough case too, one of the toughest actually.

    I think we are all different and we need to do what works for us no matter what that may be.

    As far as posting about your personal trials on this blog being brave, it is whether or not your mother would have approved. Just remember when you hear her voice telling you her nonsense that it's about protecting her secret. She is totally self-serving with no regard for you, her child, or your welfare at all. Typical abuser, a totally unreliable source to measure your worth. Throw it out with the garbage where is belongs. You'll be much happier without it.

  3. Yikes! Sorry to hear about your finger, I do hope that it will heal quickly.
    I think that you have done an incredible job at healing your mind. I think at some level, blogging about it helps too. Please don't ever think that no one wants to hear it. Clearly, what you have to say touches other people's lives and helps them too. I know a few years years ago you and I both found out similar bad news around the same time. It helped me to know that there was someone out there who could truly know what I was going through.

  4. I still think you're brave, and totally echo what rising rainbow said. I'm also learning a lot from cricket. Someone very close to me could really do with some counselling, but refuses to go. It is perhaps shedding light on why the refutal is so categorical, and gives me hope that there are other ways to help.

  5. I can't comment on the therapy approaches, although i think you sound wonderfully whole given what you've been through.

    I did want to comment on the flowers, particularly the first picture, I love the purple against the red behind.

  6. Did anybody notice the bumblebees in the first picture?

  7. You are the least "looking for sympathy" person on the planet. And selfish?? Hunh? No waaayyy. You're a very practical and productive wound-licker and mover-onner. I love checking in with you because you always remind me to be grateful, even when I'm feeling REALLY raw and bitter.

    It's a major talent, not a character flaw!!!


    p.s. I never downloaded the mother of all playlists, as you probably know, but have bought a lot of what you recommended off iTunes, and think of you and your Miss often.