I’m now able to type with both hands, I just can’t use the broken finger, so I am typing like my Dad at the moment. Many things are difficult; it’s more frustrating than painful. My darling husband helped me wash and dry my hair last night, what a sweetheart.
Going back to my Death and Taxes post, Callie advised against taking the drug I mentioned. In truth when I said I’d be willing to try it that was more for the purposes of the post than a pre-cursor to a phone call to my doctor. It would be interesting to have insight into how my thinking patterns on everyday life would be different if everything wasn’t filtered through the dark lenses of my past, but I’m far too concerned about side effects to actually take a drug like that. Drug use was a part of my abuse; also my own history of being misdiagnosed and given inappropriate and/or dangerous drugs and my mother’s hypochondria and rampant prescription drug addiction make me very hesitant to take any drug.
Cricket referenced specific treatments for PTSD. According to his bio, my last therapist is a member of the California Psychological Association, Obsessive Compulsive Foundation and EMDR International Association, and is certified as a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Expert in Traumatic Stress and Addictions Counselor. He did some EMDR sessions with me (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and they were helpful. At the time I was basically house-bound with panic attacks and depression, and he brought me back to functioning again. Most of the time I feel quite normal, presenting what I think are normal responses to sad, stressful or happy events, but when the deep recesses are accessed through a trigger I just have to wade through it. This will be a lifelong pattern.
Sarah thanked me for being brave enough to talk about things so personal in such a public forum. I appreciate the comment but in truth I don’t feel brave at all, I feel selfish. The Mother Voice in my head starts berating me -- Who the hell wants to hear about your crap? You’re just looking for sympathy! Get over yourself, etc.
For a very long time I kept many many secrets, fearful of the repercussions of talking, so talking or writing about my experiences is liberating and cathartic. I’m not here to be a poster child for anything, but I also know from living inside the cage that it can be helpful to others to hear or read about a similar story to their own, to know, as Rising Rainbow and Sally indicated, that you are not alone.
I have a couple more posts in the works, both good news, but for today I will leave you with some more spring flowers, purple-themed.