Sunday, February 3, 2008

The Perfect Storm

Sometimes the universe seems to conspire against me and many different elements come together at the same time to form what seems like an unsurmountable obstacle. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I've just crawled out of a pit of despair.

It started when a chronic medical issue raised it's very ugly head and stepped into the spotlight. Even though this is something I've been dealing with for a long time, it can still zap my energy, obliterate my fragile self-esteem and make me feel hopeless and bitter. You couple that with two solid weeks of bad weather, a couple of power outages, 10 to 12 hour days working with ungrateful clients, not being able to ride my horse and becoming isolated from my social circles (because of the bad weather and the heavy work schedule) and you end up with a very unhappy woman. I shudder to think where I would have been without my blue happy pills, probably in a fetal position in a cellar.

My sister is bi-polar, and I have witnessed a few of her manic phases. Although I suffer from both anxiety and depression, I don't have the euphoric highs of the manic depressive, instead my anxiety manifests itself in the form of panic. The meds do a good job of dampening those tendencies, but when I get into a depressive cycle it doesn't do nearly as good a job in keeping me from sliding downward.

Normally I feel the urge to write it all down when I feel depressed, but this was different...I felt so shitty about myself I didn't think anyone would care enough to read about it and even if they did, they would be so put off by the nasty bile I was spewing they wouldn't care to come back to read any more. All I could do was work my way out of it, every day giving less weight to the negative thoughts and trying to pay attention to what my body needed (sleep, food, etc.).

So, if you're reading this, thanks for checking in on me. I'm getting there.

21 comments:

  1. I'm glad you posted.

    Depression sucks. But, y'know,sometimes we all need a good wallow (even the depressives).

    I hope things improve rapidly.

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  2. I hope the chronic issue isn't what I think it is, as I do know how that can zap you, inside and out.

    I tend toward anxiety and paranoia for what might be termed my manic phase. I sure wish I got that hyper-productive paint-the-Cistine-Chapel version.

    I hope the weather settles and you get some horse time in soon. Good for you both.

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  3. Glad you are surfacing again. I don't know what it is like to get that low, but my stepfather battles depression and health issues, so I have seen what it can do to people.

    Hoping things balance out soon.

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  4. It's wonderful to see you back. Spring is on its way and the cold, wet funk will be forgotten.
    I always check.

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  5. Hope you're feeling better. Glad to see you back to blogging. I think I can speak for most of us in saying you've been missed.

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  6. Still here, still reading and you can't change that (regardless of whatever bile you may spew forth in the future).
    I'm glad you have the blue happy pills. Hang in there Donna.
    DinoD

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  7. I'm glad to see you posting again and on the upswing. Hopefully, with Spring on it's way the days will get warmer, and there will be more sunshine both literaly and figuratively in all our lives. (hugs)

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  8. It's hard to swim up sometimes, especially when it seems that nothing is on your side. But we all are. Hang in there.

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  9. I'm still reading, and still thinking about you. You'll pull out of this spin, I know it. Hang in there Donna.

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  10. Oh man, I sympathize. The docs give you some pill and say it will handle both the anxiety and the depression, but it never does. It either jacks you up to fix the depression, making you more anxious, or brings you down from the anxiousness, adding to the depression. It's vicious. All you can do is take it a second at a time. Hang in there.

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  11. So glad to hear from you even if you haven't been feeling well. Here's to more time on your horse and all the other things that bring you joy.

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  12. I am relieved to hear from you, and I will always read whatever you need to get out. I hope things upswing soon (no rain predicted for the next 10 days should help I hope), and that your chronic issue is surmountable. I miss you.

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  13. so sorry to hear about your health issues. As if you needed something else to deal with. Hoping you can bring yourself out of the current slough through all the means you mention. Hang in there.

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  14. Glad you're climbing out - we've missed you! Welcome back! - Kym

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  15. I do know what it's like to get that low. It can be very difficult to dig out sometimes, but I think you said it best....just pay attention to what your body needs. Make sure to take your meds, drink plenty of water, make time for yourself and your horse. You'll get there. And when you start feeling shitty about yourself, remember that it's just the depression talking. We all think your pretty darn great.

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  16. Donna I have been going through exactly the same thing the past few weeks and feel like I am starting to come a bit right so you have all of my hugs and support.

    Until someone has experienced depression they can't understand how very real it is and how hard it is to pull yourself out of it. Rising Rainbow has been helping me a lot with it. I take antidepressants but got hooked onto my blue happy pills (pain medication, highly addictive) because it was the only way that I felt any energy or able to cope but it eventually just worstened the situation. I have sought counselling, come clean with my psychiatrist about the pain meds this week and am determined now to move forward. Hang in there girl if you ever need someone to talk to give me a holler. It is very helpful to talk to someone who will give you an honest opinion and not pussy foot around the issue and try to tell you how you must handle this, only advice and guidance can work and in the end you will find the way.

    ((((Hugs)))))

    Lori

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  17. Donna, I have missed you. Sorry to hear that you have been battling depression. After many years of standing on the brink of tha abyss, it is a subject I know well so I understand what you are going through. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. I can be reached through my horse website.

    Hang in there, girl, and spend as much time with that horse as you can.

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  18. I dropped by hoping to find a post that you're feeling better.

    I hope you are.

    If one depression medicine doesn't work, another will. Please, don't despair.

    And try to walk in the sunshine.

    Thinking of you.

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  19. Thinking about you, Donna, I sure hope you are feeling better soon.

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  20. I want to say something profoundly soothing - but am left only with "I understand". Stumbled on your blog by accident - if you believe in that sort of thing - hang in there - do try to get out to hang with your horse - even if there isn't time to ride - sending you healing energy.

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