Saturday, March 7, 2009

Night Mare

Print by Wilma Sanchez

It may be slightly hypoerbolic to say that this was the worst thing that could happen, but I hope you will forgive it. I got laid off this week. I've been laid off or have otherwise lost my job many times, but I have never been in the situation I find myself now: both my partner and I will soon be unemployed, unless one of us finds someone willing to pay us to do something in less than 40 days. I know, I have been unhappy at work and wished for something different, but I wanted to be able to handle that on my own terms and in my own time. I knew business was down and thought perhaps my hours would be reduced, but honestly I did not think they would let me go entirely. Coming on the heels of losing my biggest client, I can't help but think that must have played into their decision. I am really, really trying not to go to that place where I blame myself and think that everything I touch turns to shit, eventually. Back to being Typhoid Mary. No, I am not going to go there...

To add insult to injury, not only am I still having to babysit my replacement at the client I just left, I am now having to help my company come up with a transition plan for someone else to take over the work at all of my clients.

My body is in bad shape. Nearly every muscle in my body is tense and sore, I'm having spasms in my back, my neck is tight as a rope and my calves feel like they are on the verge of seizing up every time I stand up.

My chest and face are breaking out like it's the night before junior prom. My endo pain is flaring and I am spotting in the middle of a cycle. My stomach seems OK, surprisingly, but that's probably because I'm not eating much.

My sleep is disturbed by nightmares, sometimes the same dream over and over all night long. I've dreamt more than once of having to give up Miss. I will never allow that to happen. I would sooner lose my house than one of my animals, they are innocent and my complete responsibility.

I got the news on Monday. It took until yesterday to really sink in. I know there are literally millions of people in far worse shape than me, but somehow that is small comfort.

I rode Miss today and will again tomorrow. She's happy to have a job. I'm thankful at least one of us does.


  1. I hope something good comes down the pipeline soon. I hate this stupid economy.

  2. Oh my - sorry to hear this! it is a scary scary time these days.
    [I'd insert a meaningless platitude here, like "Hang in there", but that kind of tripe I know you can do without!]

  3. I'm sorry to hear about some of the junk you're going through. I can relate: recently laid off and my one and only child trying to learn some life lessons the hard way. Fortunately, I have great friends and family and I have access to great blogs like this, so I know I'm not alone. You aren't alone either, my heart hurts for you. But looking at your past posts, I have faith you'll find a way through. I'm not trying to sound simple in a moment of nightmares. But again, I'm glad I'm not alone and I'm glad you shared.

  4. I'm sorry. :( It's definitely not your fault, & you're sure not alone, although I know that is cold comfort. I hope something comes up for you or your partner soon!

  5. Hi Donna, I'm so sorry to read this news. I will be thinking of you both and hoping for good things. Loving thoughts your way.

  6. Oh my God, I am so sorry. I just found your blog a couple of days ago and then read this post today. I know exactly what you are going through because that has been me the last few months since I lost my job too. And those dark thoughts of feeling like a failure and wondering why everything turns to dust - yes, I have had those. In fact, I started blogging to pull myself out of it.

    Good luck and all the best wishes!!

  7. Oh god, Donna. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'll be wishing the best for you -- the very best.

  8. Yeeeeeesh. When it rains, it pours. I really, really hope that something comes your way fast, and that it will be something that you also truly enjoy.
    I'll keep my fingers crosses and send good wishes your way.

  9. Donna, I don't even know what to say. Nothing is likely to make it seem any better except time???
    I know, we have snow here again - so it could be worse, you could be unemployed and living here. But I am sorry and I'm really not making light of it. I can imagine a little of how you feel as we have been waiting for my husband's job to dry up and I am still on parental leave but I know that's not quite the same thing.
    I'm just blabbering here, sorry again.
    Of course you will take care of your animals - you're just that kind of person (ahem... the good kind).

  10. I hope these hard times will be over with sooner than later. I'm so sorry this has effected you guys. The belt-tightening is leaving us all breathless.

  11. Oh Honey, I'm so sorry! What a shit-storm. It just feels so unjust. B was out of work for over 2 months, and we are in a bit of a desperate place... It is very hard to stay positive when you are scared. All I can say is that you tell your man to keep going to his dojo, and you keep going to the stables, no matter what happens. I have a strong feeling that these are the kind of things that will keep a person sane, in a crazy-making world. Constancy and normalcy. Hold on to each other and TRUST that something's gotta give. And it will. Meanwhile, hang in there and laugh any and every chance you get, even if you dont feel like it. I'm sending you good, loving and supportive thoughts for a gentle and speedy shift into happy employment for both of you!
    Love, Bird.

  12. That totally blows Donna. Look for the right job, collect your unemployment, and ride the heck out of that mare. This might be just what you needed....a summer of fun for you and Miss.

  13. I'm really sorry Donna, this is awful news. I do think that leaving with your dignity intact by takign the moral high ground is a good idea, although it's a tough tough act to see through. Hang in there.