Unwell

I am not well. Physically, I’m fine; I don’t have a cold or anything antibiotics will fix. Inside, I don’t feel right. My thought processes and emotions seem to have a life of their own.

Perhaps the day after Mother’s Day isn’t a good one to take emotional inventory. I sent my mother a card. It’s hard to find cards that aren’t for The Best Mother In The World Who Always Took Care of Me. Inevitably I purchase a card that’s in the “For Anyone” section – a nice picture of flowers and a wish for a nice day. Why do I even send a card, you might ask. It’s just easier to send a card, with its empty sentiments, than it is to deal with the fallout of not sending one. Is that disingenuous? Dishonest even? You bet.

Yesterday we took D’s Mom out for lunch and a bit of shopping. She is 85 and is feeling the brunt of her age. She has fairly advanced arthritis, but other than that is in pretty good health. She uses a walker to walk even the shortest of distances, and has a wheelchair for longer durations. She is also losing her hearing but hasn’t gotten to the point of needing a hearing aid (or maybe doesn’t realize how bad it’s getting), so you have to repeat a lot of the things you say to her. Everything is such a struggle for her. Getting the just-purchased sheet set out of the plastic zippered packaging was a 10-minute exercise. Half the time when I am around her I feel sad that her life is so difficult and painful, and the other half I am waffling between impatience and guilt for said impatience. Instead of taking every opportunity I have left to make our visits fun and interesting, I can’t stop thinking about her death. I know someday soon we will get that phone call and D’s world will come crashing down, and that makes me very sad too.

Next on the inventory list are my feelings about one of our dogs. He had two benign cysts removed from one of his front legs, and the incision was right near the wrist joint. After a week the vet decided the wound wasn’t healing with just a wrap and put on a split to keep the leg immobile, which required basically a soft cast to be built up around the split. We’ve taken him back twice now to have the wound looked at and today again they decided to re-do the split/cast and told me to bring him back on Friday. By then he will have been on antibiotics and a mild sedative for three weeks, not to mention having to wear what the vet calls an “e-collar”, better known as The Cone of Shame. He hasn’t been able to play fetch or even go outside in the sunshine for two weeks. If you knew this dog you’d know why we have to keep him mildly sedated – he LOVES his ball. It just breaks my heart to see him this way. We made the decision to have these cysts removed and now he’s been suffering for weeks. Good grief, maybe it’s a good thing we could never have kids – I’d be a basket-case all the time.

I feel like I’m withdrawing. I get headaches almost every day. I used to loathe all the time I’d spend by myself at home, now it’s all I want to do. If you’re not my husband I generally don’t want to be around you. When I go to the gym I have my iPod earbuds in even when I don’t have music playing, because I don’t want to interact with anyone. I’m sleeping a lot, more than I need to. I can’t get excited about anything, despite the facts that the new job at the financial consulting company is going great and we have two vacations planned this summer. I can keep up a false front indefinitely, its how I got through the years I lived at home. I guess that’s what scares me.

Take it Easy

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about what is being called the Slow Down Movement. I probably have some of my facts wrong, as I haven’t done that much research, but it seems like this all started with the Slow Food Movement, which was formed by Carlo Petrini in 1986 in Italy after a McDonald's opened in Rome's famous Piazza di Spagna.

Here’s a very good article from August 2001 that goes into some detail about the organization which, according to the official Slow Food website, “boasts 83,000 members worldwide [in over 100 countries] and offices…in Italy, Germany, Switzerland, the USA, France, Japan and Great Britain.” Their aim is to “protect the pleasures of the table from the homogenization of modern fast food and life. Through a variety of initiatives, it promotes gastronomic culture, develops taste education, conserves agricultural biodiversity and protects traditional foods at risk of extinction.” I can get behind that. But I do love the Crunchwrap Supreme.

The good folks at SlowDownNow.org have put together a great list of resources for those of us in need of inspiration. And yes, they have a blog! If you click on the Slow Animation link it will bring up a cartoon that is right on the money. This leads me to Take Back Your Time, which is a “major U.S./Canadian initiative to challenge the epidemic of overwork, over-scheduling and time famine that now threatens our health, our families and relationships, our communities and our environment."

I can also get behind this, in a big way. As you might recall if you’ve been following along, I am an independent financial consultant with multiple clients, but still manage to work part-time most of the time. I feel that I am able to provide better work product in less time by having the ability to work from home and working flex hours. Does it make sense to leave at 6am to be at work by 8am? No, not in my book. By leaving at 8:30 and arriving at 9:30, I spend less time in the car and have a better attitude when I get there. How many people do you know that never use up all of their vacation hours? You won't find that happening in this house!

I find it hard to argue with their “Time to Care” public policy agenda:

1. Guaranteeing paid leave for all parents for the birth or adoption of a child. Today, only 40% of Americans are able to take advantage of the 12 weeks of unpaid leave provided by the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993.

2. Guaranteeing at least one week of paid sick leave for all workers. Many Americans work while sick, lowering productivity and endangering other workers.

3. Guaranteeing at least three weeks of paid annual vacation leave for all workers. Studies show that 28% of all female employees and 37% of women earning less than $40,000 a year receive no paid vacation at all.

4. Placing a limit on the amount of compulsory overtime work that an employer can impose, with our goal being to give employees the right to accept or refuse overtime work.

5. Making Election Day a holiday, with the understanding that Americans need time for civic and political participation.

6. Making it easier for Americans to choose part-time work. Hourly wage parity and protection of promotions and pro-rated benefits for part-time workers.

Here’s an exerpt from MSN of an article in Marie Claire, an interview with “former speedaholic and London-based journalist Carl Honoré" who wrote about the movement in his best seller In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of Speed. He's got some great ideas on how to make time for the really important things.

And finally, just to prove there are asshats out there covering every topic, I give you hurryfaster.com,the Cult of Speed (which, in all fairness, is pretty damn funny).

I do believe it's time for a cup of tea then a nap.

Sunday Afternoon

Pandora's Box

Earlier this week I logged into our online banking account, as I often do, to check the balances and see what had cleared. There were two pending charges from a mortgage-related company totaling over $800. I immediately emailed D to ask if he knew what they were; we did have our house reappraised for insurance purposes a while back and generally D takes care of that type of thing. He didn’t know either and did a search based on the little information we had. He called the bank and they couldn’t do anything until the charge cleared (which seemed ridiculous, isn’t the whole point to prevent the fraudulent charge if you know about before you get your money taken?). D called the company that posted the charges and got the voicemail of the “account manager”. Ummmm, we don’t have an account with you people, how can we have an account manager? He also emailed the customer service address from the website. We got a response via email the next morning indicating they also had the charges flagged as possibly being fraudulent because they were initiated from out of the country. Neither charge made it through the pending phase to clear, I presume because the mortgage company refused it on their end. Seriously, if you got your hands on a valid debit card number, wouldn’t you use it to buy bling, or expensive shoes, or airline tickets to Fiji?

Anyway, the bank told us it was MY debit card number that was used. Yes, I buy stuff online all the time, from reputable companies that have secure sites, but I live by my debit card, so the number has got to be all over the internet by now, I’ve just never had it stolen before. We canceled both our debit cards, which turned out to be a royal hassle, even checks weren’t accepted by companies I do business with all the time. Hopefully we’ll have the new cards by Monday.

My point in telling you all this, and I know it sounds cliché, is I feel so violated. And ashamed. I feel ashamed because I was violated. Hmmm, does this sound familiar? The eloquent Avonlea Spring wrote a post recently titled Shame where she asks about an antidote. I wish I knew how to counteract this instinctual behavior, but alas, I believe the way my brain works was literally changed by what I endured. I wrote about this in March, wherein I referenced this article, as well as a piece from the April 2006 Discover magazine by Nobel Laureate Eric Kandel. I’m not saying there is no hope for change, just that the way in which change happens might not be the way we think it does.

The presence of my husband in my life, along with my friends, has literally been my salvation. Yet, despite the very good life and the support system I have, it doesn’t take much to send me into a depression or panic spiral that takes several days to unwind from. An unexpected phone call from my mother, a trip to the vet and the aforementioned bank hassles were enough to write off much of this past week.

Meeting D enabled me to open Pandora’s box and deal with the misfortunes and sorrow that were released. The first time I was in control of the raising of the lid; now it seems like it happens on its own. Every time the box gets opened, even a tiny bit, more sadness and hurt comes out, like there is a never-ending supply. Like Pandora, I’d like to believe I keep shutting the box in time to keep the one thing it contained that I wanted to keep: hope.

Pandora by John William Waterhouse, 1896

Digging In The Dirt

Last night’s episode of Crossing Jordan left me jittery and unable to fall asleep. I missed the first part and started watching after Dr. Macy was already chained up in the basement of a deranged homeowner, where he finds a young boy who had been kidnapped some time before. In an attempt to prevent puberty, the man wants Dr. Macy to assist him in castrating the boy, so he can “remain pure”. I don’t usually have this high an emotional response to shows like this; after all, the show takes place in a morgue. There is an expectation of seeing the worst human behavior, the things that one person can do to another or themselves. But when the cruelty of one human being to another involves a child, the bile rises in my throat and my stomach lurches. Yet, I was unable to turn to another channel. The story had the outcome I wanted: the crazy bastard kidnapper ended up dead and the child was returned to his parents. Somehow this wasn’t enough, as I knew that was not the end of the story for the child.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve always been fascinated by man’s inhumanity to man…I can’t count the number of documentaries I’ve watched on Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, serial killers, cannibalism, satanic cults, etc. I’m still no closer to understanding how the mind of a person who does terrible things makes it reasonable to act this way.

Last night I had a dream about my mother. I find it fascinating that I never dream about my abuse or the rape, but I often dream of her. The dreams always start out benign, taking place in a place known to me, usually the house I grew up in or my grandmother’s house. The family is eating dinner or watching TV, when suddenly I am filled with fear and everything turns dark. She always wore red lipstick (but no other make-up), and in my dreams her dark lips are huge as she screams and rages at me.

I spoke to her on the phone recently, I know this is why she’s in my subconscious. We have an understanding, finally reached after many years of struggle, that there is a limit to the amount of contact I can have with her. By speaking with her twice in the last month, I’ve obviously exceeded my limit. I am so sad that it has to be this way, but I need to trust myself, and that rock-hard lump in the pit of my stomach.

There are three wooden whiskey barrels next to the front deck that are waiting for me. I am generally an immediate gratification kind of person, so when it comes to gardening I will pay the extra money and buy plants that are already flowering. I changed my thought process this year and bought seeds for the first time. I’ll be mixing together Bachelor's buttons (Blue Boy & Cyanus double mixed colors), zinnia, Shasta daisies and delicate white baby's breath seeds; hopefully I will end up with something resembling a French wildflower garden. If nothing else I will have planted a seed, and that's got to count for something.

Peter Gabriel -- Digging In The Dirt mp3
Buy "Us"

Photo credits: Me
Claude Monet's estate, Giverney, in Normandy, France

I Could Get Used to This

6:30 – Alarm goes off. D turns it off, gets up to feed the dogs, have shower, eat breakfast and get ready for work.

6:34 – I go back to sleep.

8:12 – D wakes me up to kiss me good-bye when he leaves for work.

8:17 – I go back to sleep.

9:30 – Wake up, get out of bed, have a quick shower, put on clean sweats.

9:45 to 10:45 – Make coffee, play with dogs, drink coffee, check email, eat cereal outside on the deck in the sunshine.

10:45 to 11 – Download music.

11 to 3 – Work on first project for financial consulting company.

3 to 4:15 – Make and eat sandwich, watch part of Dr. Phil, take Bailey with me for 20 minute round-trip walk to get mail, check email again, check blog for comments.

4:15 to 7 – Work.

Amount of money I spent on gas today: $0.00

Amount of money I spent on lunch today: $0.00

Getting in 7 hours of productive work without having to put on real clothes, makeup or shoes: Priceless

I Know This Much Is True

The book referenced in the title is a wonderful read, by Wally Lamb. But that isn’t what this post is about. I’ve been meaning to do a Rants & Raves post for a while, so here goes.

Rants
Why is ABC running “recap” episodes of Lost, Desperate Housewives and (worst of all) Grey’s Anatomy? These are even worse then re-runs! I realize May sweeps is coming and you have to save your best episodes for this magic yet made-up TV calendar, but we don’t want to see what amounts to a mash-up of our favorite shows. Stop it already.

Northern California has had enough rain, thank you. Two people have basically been killed by their houses lately, one was crushed by a landslide that took over his property and the other fell to his death when a 10-foot deep sinkhole opened up in his living room. Again, stop it already.

I would love to use less gasoline and buy a scooter, but they aren’t freeway legal in California and don’t have enough power to get me up the windy, steep hill to my house. Then there's the helmet hair issue to consider.

We waited until April 16 to mail our 2005 Federal tax and 2006 1st quarter estimated tax payments. The checks were cashed on April 20. Anybody who is due a refund get it yet? I didn't think so.

I really thought I had more rants…I’m sure more will come to me as soon as I post this. I’ll update as necessary.


Raves
Maison candles are heavenly. They last a long time (it says 60 hours on the label but I haven’t been keeping track) and the scents are amazing. My favorite at the moment is called Citron, which is lemon verbena & lavender. I buy mine at Bed Bath & B*yond, but they aren’t selling them online. (Partial rant there!)

I’d like to thank the person who finally convinced the wine industry that screw caps were OK to use on good quality wine.

We are going to see Fiona Apple in late June, an early anniversary present to ourselves. Her latest, Extraordinary Machine, has been on constant rotation on my iPod since it came out last fall.

My new favorite place to spend time online is Petfinder.com. We already have two large dogs that bring me so much joy, I figure I could use a little more. As in, a little dog, preferably a dachshund or a dachshund mix. So far D isn’t convinced we need another dog, but it isn’t a question of need, at least not for us. The doggies there need me.

My next favorite place online is the Eagle Eye live web cam, which gives you a bird’s-eye view (sorry, couldn’t resist that one!) of an eagle’s nest on Hornby Island, BC, just off the east coast of Vancouver Island. Every single time I’ve logged on, the mother eagle has been in the nest. My thanks to Canadian Expatriates for posting the link.

The Monterey Bay Aquarium also has seven live web cams, including otter, shark and penguin cams. Who says all the internet is good for is porn and stock quotes?

I’ve been looking for a steam cleaner for our tile and Pergo floor for a while now, and finally bought one last weekend at C*stco. Best $100 I ever spent! No cleaning solution, no residue, as easy as sweeping. For the cost of 4 cups of distilled water I cleaned my entire first story in less than an hour. I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to doing housework before; I’m sure it will wear off soon.


As a follow-up to my Ambition post, I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve worked with the educational folks who keep track of compliance for my certification status, and it turns out I am still active after all. I had some of my credits going towards the wrong time period.

I am about to start on my first stand-alone project for my friend’s financial consulting company, I sign the paperwork and pick up my laptop on Tuesday. I’m still juggling three other clients as well, but I am hopeful that by the end of the year I can focus all my time and attention on this new venture. In the meantime, I will be treated as a regular employee for tax purposes by them so it won’t increase my quarterly estimated payments. I still have such low self-esteem at times, having so many people wanting my services is doing a lot to keep those condescending voices in my head in check.

Finally, a few days ago I put my entire foot in my mouth and hurt the feelings of a true blog friend. My intentions were noble but the execution was very poor. Right now I am reading and commenting on blogs with focuses on adoption – both those who are adopting domesticly and internationally, and adult adoptees -- donor egg, IVF, pregnancy, recurrent miscarriage, and POF, among other things. I have absolutely no personal experience with any of these things. Yes, I’ve been through the infertility trench and I’m still finding mud in nooks and crannies, and will be forever, probably. Even without personal experience, I hope that I can offer something in the way of compassion to you all. Bear with me while I live and learn.