History Lesson

I think my trainer Willow understood that I would prefer to ride Angel if it was at all possible, even though we didn’t discuss this after my fall. Yesterday when I got to the barn early and she told me to tack up Angel when I was ready because she was going to need to be longed, I broke into a mile-wide smile. My friend who introduced me to the farm was riding her thoroughbred and I sat and drank my coffee and watched her ride, soaking up as much as I could before I put on my half-chaps and gloves (it’s been record-breakingly chilly here this week) to tack up. Most of the water pipes at the barn were frozen and a couple had burst so everyone was working on a bucket brigade to get water to all the horses. I told you it was cold!

My friend watched my lesson so I was feeling a little pressure to ride well, but felt no trepidation, no concerns, no fear. Even after a long warm-up Angel was still very forward and it was such a joy to have my commands reacted to and to concentrate on my technique. We also talked about leasing her in the spring, so I’m very happy with how things are going.

My work situation is changing and that’s causing me some anxiety (I’ve got to have something to worry about, don’t I?). When I signed up with the financial consulting company in April I elected to be an hourly employee because I didn’t know how many hours I was going to be logging and wanted to continue with the freedom and equality of being paid for the hours I work, which has been the case since February 2003 when I became a consultant.

I have a terrible track record when it comes to the companies I’ve worked for, my friends call me Typhoid Mary because most of them don’t exist anymore. This moniker makes me smile and grimace simultaneously, using my mother’s name in this way.

I’ve recapped this before but I think it bears repeating. In the spring of 1999 the company I worked for, a very famous internet pioneer, was acquired by an internet imposter company I still revile today. After that painful layoff, severance settlement in hand, I decided to try consulting and signed up with an agency that specialized in stock plan administration. After a few days at my first assignment that company offered me a full-time job and I accepted, still unsure and scared of what being a consultant would mean. That turned out to be a very bad decision. By the spring of 2000 I was again laid off and that company died a very slow, painful death. One of my good friends offered me a job helping her at another former high-flyer on the stock market, but by October 2001 she was forced to lay me off in the second “reduction in force” in less than a year. God, I hate that term! Silicon Valley, RIF this.

Within a month I got a job at a nice little software company and things were going along fine until – you guessed it – in May 2002 it was announced that a very large software company was acquiring us. I worked very hard on the conversion of our stock into theirs and by September 2002 had successfully worked myself out of a job, again.

By this time we were embroiled in infertility treatments and things weren’t going well on that front. I left a week earlier than my settlement required because I just could not handle working any longer. Right after the acquisition announcement I started having panic attacks and suffered through the next four months mostly in silence, feeling alone and out of control.

I literally spent the three months after leaving in a prone position, either on the couch or in bed, alternatively nauseous or crying. D convinced me to find a therapist, something I did not want to do, having gone through 4+ years of group therapy in the late 90’s, but I was so debilitated and exhausted I knew I couldn’t get out of this alone.

It became clear after just a couple of sessions that there were a couple of forces at work. The fairly obvious one was my feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me; that I was, in fact, somehow causing these companies to fail by my very presence on their payroll. The infertility was another, deeper layer of failure. All the while my mother’s voice was there in my head, backing up these feelings with the words of disdain and dire predictions I’d heard all my life. I nearly screamed at my doctor, “NO! This cannot be about HER, AGAIN.”

Ahem. Anyway, after many sessions, a Christmas I can’t remember and a very painful six-week adjustment to the Little Blue Pills, I was starting to feel better. I could even drive again without feeling like I was going to have a heart attack and cause a hundred car chain-reaction accident on the freeway.

In February of 2003 my boss at Large Software Company (LSC) called to ask if I could help them out on a consulting basis, and I’ve been there ever since. My boss there is the reason I said earlier that I suffered mostly in silence, she was so kind to me through all kinds of erratic behavior: crying jags, coming in late and leaving early, not eating during the day for days on end…she always had my back, but I was still surprised when she called me to work for her again after five months, I thought for sure she thought I was certifiable.

My point in this long explanation is this: my work at LSC has dwindled to almost nothing in the past year, and the new consulting company has been pushing me to roll over to salary. Last week I met with management there and we are in negotiations to do just that, which will mean giving up my LSC as an independent consultant client. I’ve already told my boss there and, of course, she has been gracious and supportive. I know this is a positive move and I’ve become a luxury item to LSC, but the emotional bond between me and her is a strong one, and I already miss her.

My negotiations to roll over to salary include a 32-hour work week, two people under me and a lot of control over the kind of work I take on. I’m very lucky. I won’t forget my boss or her kindness.

Fall At Your Feet

I fell off a horse yesterday. I guess after nary a mishap in seven months it was due to happen.

I was riding Huey, who is a much larger horse than my usual mount, the little mare Angel. So right off the bat I was feeling like I was much higher off the ground than usual. His stride is also a lot bigger, so I was feeling like I was bouncing around and a little out of control the entire lesson.

I was cantering on the longe line (a line is attached to the bridle and the trainer has the other end), when Cat Dog ran right in front of the horse and spooked him. He was already going pretty fast and he reared up and jerked his whole body to the outside of the circle. Since I was leaning to the inside of the circle, I completely lost my balance and fell off to the side. I managed to get my right foot out of the stirrup right away and kept hold of the reins while my left foot stayed in the stirrup until the last second. It was a sort of slow motion fall, I didn't land hard but it did scare the crap out of me. After we got him calmed down a bit (and the cat got a good scolding) I got back on and finished the lesson.

Last night my back started to hurt and now where I actually landed on my outer thigh is also sore, but I'm more concerned about the mental after-effects. I know I got back on right away, but the more I thought about it the more upset I became. I switched my lessons to Saturdays because my work schedule is too crazy right now to fit one in during the week, which means I'll probably be riding Huey a lot more.

I could really use some words of wisdom from my horse friends here.
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UPDATE: My sincere thanks to all of you who left comments. I think what I am most afraid of is, well, being afraid. I had no sense of fear whatsoever before I fell, I would walk right up to a strange horse and start petting it, or feed a strange horse a carrot or whatever. I would jump right in the saddle on any horse my instructor put in front of me with a "I can do this" kind of attitude. I can't honestly say that anything will have changed when I go back next weekend for another lesson, I hope not, I guess all I can do it keep on keeping on.

The horse I was riding, Huey, was trained for Western Pleasure (which sounds like an all-male Vegas revue!), and they've been converting him -- if that's the right terminology -- to English for a few years now. Because of his early training he tends to start out slow. Really slow. On top of that he is a bit lazy so you have to constant urge him forward, which is just a nice horsey way of saying you have to kick him a lot. I even use a crop when I ride him, because he just.won't.go unless you absolutely show him you mean it. He's also used to being ridden with spurs, so just kicking him doesn't do much. I don't like riding him because it's a lot of work just to keep him at a trot, where I spend most of my lessons; I get exhausted mentally and physically and can't concentrate on my technique.

I definitely plan on leasing Angel when I can switch back to lessons during the week, once my work schedule gets back to normal after the year-end rush and the weather gets more predictable. My trainer said something about leasing Huey, but I just can't imagine it. Yes, Angel is an "easier" horse to ride, but so what? She can also jump so I can really stay with her a long while.

Year End Wrap-Up

The holiday season has come and gone and I’m woefully behind in getting the words swirling in my head down on virtual paper and up on my blog.

First a short run-down of recent events. We never did put up a tree or lights or send out cards, but gifts were bought and shipped on time to Canada to my family and bought and wrapped with time to spare for local friends and family. Five years ago I would have been mortified if I had not sent out cards! I don’t know if that’s growth or indifference.

We spent Christmas Eve afternoon with most of D’s family and everyone had a good time trying out Mom’s new Shiat_su massaging cushion. She ended up giving it back to us because it hurt her back too much, we gave her an electric toothbrush instead and now the cushion sits on our loveseat. We all agreed that it did hurt, but it hurt sooooo good.

We opened our gifts to each on Christmas Eve and I got a very lovely white gold ring with diamonds, there are four small bars across the ring and the diamonds are randomly spaced on the bars, so it looks like music. I also got a hand-made wooden bird cage, D said it was for inspiration while I was blogging, isn’t that cute?

Christmas Day was spent with the extended Blond Family; first brunch at one house, complete with assorted small children (5 year-old Wonder Boy, 2 year-old twin girls and an 18-month old Japanese-American baby, all equally adorable) and two Vizslas.

Then to Mom & Dad Blond’s house for the rest of the day, most of which was spent opening the many, many, MANY presents under their tree. So many that breaks are required because everyone has to open gifts individually and it literally takes hours to get through them all. After a nice dinner we went home and unpacked our loot – the dining room and family room are still stewn with gift bags and tissue paper, but hey, that’s what weekends are for.

Then I promptly got sick, catching the combo stomach and regular flu that’s going around the Bay Area. Our power went out early Wednesday morning so we cranked up the generator so we could get ready for work. I am a slave to electricity. My world screeches to a halt without it.

As the day wore on I felt worse and worse, but made it through the Project From Hell and met D for dinner at a local diner (see slave to electricity above). Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke and said, “I have to throw up now”, as I grabbed the flashlight next to the bed and made it to the bathroom in time to lose my dinner of French toast. After several minutes during which I wished I could die, I crawled back into bed and slept the rest of the night. In the morning the power was still out but since I spent the entire day semi-conscious on the couch I didn’t really mind, I was warm in front of the wood stove. The power finally came back on Thursday evening at about 5:30, just before I was starting to figure out where we wanted to go out to eat.

New Year’s Eve afternoon we met the Blonds (sans Wonder Boy) and drove down to Monterey. After checking into our hotel we walked to a delightful restaurant for dinner then came back to change into our fancy duds to attend the “Silver Fishes & New Year’s Wishes” gala at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Our money went to a good cause and it was a great time. One of the cool things was the crowd ranged in age from 20’s to 70’s, as the patrons of the aquarium were there in full force, they were the ones wearing real fur and diamonds. They weren’t afraid to shake their groove thing either! Of course the exhibits are amazing, we especially loved the jellyfish, they are so strange and beautiful.

By the next morning I felt much better and after the best banana walnut pancakes I’ve ever had, drove to the farm for a riding lesson. I couldn’t think of a better way to start a new year than riding Angel. Before we left I had taken my riding stuff out of my trunk and put it on the ground behind D’s Jeep, thinking it was locked. Big mistake. While we were busy getting ready to leave, Lexi the yellow lab puppy from across the street discovered this treasure trove and proceeded to chew up my helmet. Oh well, I got a new helmet out of the deal.


My sister sent me a lot of gifts this year, she always goes out of her way to send me stuff, but this year she really went all out – 3 boxes worth! One of them contained a gorgeous horse statue made out of leather. I know, I had that thought at first too: a cow was sacrificed to make this horse? But it really is beautiful, don't you think?

Another contained an “11 piece porcelain nativity with wood stable” as it says on the box. I opened it enough to ensure that that was really what was inside (I’ve learned to never trust the box) and promptly put it aside. I thought it was exceedingly strange that she would get me something so overtly religious, but I will have to leave it at that, that’s a subject for a long post in the near future.

A lot of folks are recounting their year and for the most part the consensus was that 2006 sucked. Although many of my friends, online and IRL, suffered devastating losses of various kinds, I have to say that for me there were three things that stand out and they are all positive:

1. Meeting D’s son and grandson.

2. Starting a new job in April with my consulting company.

3. Fulfilling a long-time wish to learn to ride.

All of them, works in progress. Not a bad year after all.

Music In Your Stocking

Inhale. Exhale. That might be the first time in two weeks I’ve been conscious of my breathing. The full force of being a consultant in the financial industry hit me like a Mack truck as clients swung into year-end mode starting in mid-December. I’ve been out at client offices much more than usual, then coming home to work a couple more hours on the clients I didn’t have access to during the day. (It’s extremely bad consultant manners to log onto another client’s computer if you’re on-site, even if you’re on a break.) One of the jobs I’ve been working on was particularly painful and complicated, in fact I did the job twice before they decided on an end-number they liked, resulting in me having to do it a third time. My director at the consulting company I work for actually pulled me out of there early (they refer to this as an "extraction", which made me feel like Sydney Bristow).

Anyhoo, I can breathe now because I’ve met all my obligations for the week and can take the weekend and Christmas Day off! But that’s it. It’s at this point I’m thinking to myself, if I was still an employee of a public company I would have the entire week off. That’s OK, there are always trade-offs and the good far outweighs the bad as far as I’m concerned.

As my gift to you I’ve compiled a list of songs from my Top 21 “new” artists of 2006. These are artists that I first discovered this year, even though some of them have been around for a while.

In alphabetical order with links to song samples:

Knock em Out by Lily Allen, from the album Alright, Still – she reminds me of Pink with a British accent

Ootischenia by The Be Good Tanyas, from the album Hello Love – alternative folk by talented Vancouver ladies

Heaven by Bitter:Sweet, from the album The Mating Game – bossa-nova pop I can’t stop listening to, in the Pink Martini realm

All the Pretty Horses by Calexico, from the album At the Crossroads – A Benefit for Homeless Youth – smoky Tex-Mex jazz-inspired goodness (the link is to their most recent album Garden Ruin, since the Crossroads link doesn’t have song samples)

Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists, from the album The Crane Wife – literary indie storytellers extraordinaire (yes, I know, I’m way behind on getting behind these guys), their earlier stuff is more baroque but this is a good place to start

Your Head’s Too Big by The Ditty Bops, from the album Moon Over the Freeway – I showcased this quirky duet in an earlier post, it’s just different, lots of influences including vaudeville & folk, with a sense of humor I find refreshing

Rue De Lis by The Essex Green, from the album Cannibal Sea – a Brooklyn band who wishes it were British, The Monkees meet The Shins, delightful

When I Was A Young Girl by Feist (Leslie Feist), from the album Let It Die – another Canadian singer with a torch song voice who writes lyrics that get under your skin, especially this song

Bad Idea by Thea Gilmore, from the album Burning Dorothy – a British singer in her mid-20’s with an old soul and an attitude (link is to Avalanche, another album that has song samples, try Juliet (Keep That In Mind))

Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap, from the album Speak for Yourself – with a strong voice and utilizing layers of multi-tracking, her music is accessible yet introspective

Train by Sonya Kitchell, from the album Words Come Back to Me – she’s 17 with the soul and talent of someone much older, she wrote and plays the guitar on all the tracks, her voice has a natural smoky blues quality

Only A Fool by Marit Larsen, from the album Under the Surface – a Norwegian beauty making her way into the folk/pop space (link is to her myspace page for samples, you can get the album at Amazon)

The Taste of You by Erin McKeown, from the album Grand – I saw her open for The Waifs a while back and I’ve been hooked ever since, I didn't discover her this year but I had to include her, her songs are fresh and winsome, from acoustic country-rock to lush orchestral offerings; I felt her later album We Will Become Like Birds tried to be too commercial, losing some of her uniqueness (no song samples here but you can find lots on iTunes)

Your Belgian Things by The Mountain Goats, from the album We Shall All Be Healed – these guys trick me, some songs I love, like this one, while others make me jump to the iPod to skip the track, you decide for yourself (link is to their newest offering Get Lonely as it has song samples)

The Day the Earth Stole Heaven by Nine Horses, from the album Snow Borne Sorrow – I didn’t have a clue who David Sylvian is, all I know is I heard this song on our houseboat on Lake Shasta and I instantly fell in love with his voice…it’s deep and soulful and sexy (link is to their new album Money For All, coming out next month, for samples)

Needle and Thread by Psapp, from the album The Only Thing I Ever Wanted – they play the Grey’s Anatomy theme song, but worth a deeper listen for their “electro-folk melodies” as Amazon calls it

La Gran Siesta by Gabriel Rios, from the album Ghostboy – utterly irresistible Latin pop, he’s a Puerto Rican Adonis living in Belgium, some songs are in Spanish (like this one), some in English, either way you know exactly what you should do, get up and shake that thang (link is to his personal site, click on Music and Lyrics for samples, you can get the album through Amazon)

Hotel Song by Regina Spektor, from the album Begin to Hope – I had a very hard time picking a song from Regina, there are so many good ones; born in Russia, a classically-trained pianist with a flirty side, her voice is clear as a bell one moment and growly the next, a mix of Tori Amos and Fiona Apple yet better than them both

This Is Where by The Wailin’ Jennys, from the album 40 Days – if the name alone isn’t enough to get you to take a listen I don’t know what will; they’re from Winnipeg, Manitoba (my Mom’s home town!), and darlings of the Canadian folk circuit, with Celtic tinges

Iceskaters by Richard Walters, from the album Pilot Lights – I literally heard this song for the first time yesterday and I fell in love, so I’m still discovering him, an Oxford acoustic musician channeling Elliot Smith with a nod to James Blunt (link is to his personal site for samples)

Chocolate On My Tongue by The Wood Brothers, from the album Ways Not To Lose – sparse modern folk and blues guys, these real brothers have wonderful harmony and a sweet upright bass

As you can see, like a good Scotch, I'm mellowing with age. I have to admit I put on SexyBack when I'm on the eliptical but for the most part I'm looking for deeper than the radio can offer. (Ollie, I apologize, there's probably nothing in this list for you!)

If you want the zip file of ALL these songs, just email me or include your email in the comments. You’re welcome. And have a wonderful holiday.

Crunch Time

I'm still here, just incredibly, mind-numbingly busy with work. I have a couple of posts all done in my head but no time to put them down on the computer screen. I even have some music for y'all! I'll get a chance to breathe on Thursday morning, I don't have to be at a client for a software demo until late afternoon.

This was my shopping list the other day:
1. Gas-X
2. Bean-O
3. Lactaid
4. Tums
5. Whipped cream


And how's YOUR week going?

My Little Pony

I never had horse toys when I was a child, I didn't have much for toys period, now that I think about it. My memory is probably playing tricks on me again, choosing only to remember the bad bits, but I was more apt to bury my head in a book than anything else. Anyway, if I DID have horse toys, I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with the monstrosity that is My Little Pony.






Barbie has a horse too, his name is Tawny. *rolling eyes* But at least it isn't creepy.

We'll leave creepy for this Bratz rodeo horse. There's something disturbingly come-hither yet evil about that expression, don't you think?

No, I'll stick to my real pony friends, lucky lucky girl that I am. Here I am after my lesson last week with my favorite mare, Angel.

And lest you think I only have love for the trusty steeds, here are some kitty friends too.

Another Day Older & Deeper in Debt

The title's a quote from Tennessee Ernie Ford's classic song Sixteen Tons:

You load sixteen tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

Yesterday was D's birthday; it also happened to be his company Christmas party. Many companies in the Bay Area, even the large ones, have done away with the all hands holiday party in favor of smaller celebrations, but being a construction company with headquarters out of the Silicon Valley, his tends to favor the old-fashioned approach in many ways. Everybody gets dressed to the nines and we all head to a nice waterfront hotel to eat banquet food and listen to a local cover band. Free drinks and the chance to watch your boss make a fool of himself on the dancefloor: priceless.

Several months ago the pilot light in our furnace started going out intermittently. As the weather got colder the frequency at which I have to re-light it has increased exponentially. With a large sigh we agreed we needed to remedy this situation.

For the price of a good used car or a really good vacation (pushing 5 figures) we are soon to be the proud owners of a new propane furnace, with matching ducts and assorted other accessories.

I’m all for being cozy and all that, but for that kind of money I want something I can show off. Does this count as House Bling? It’s not sexy, it’s not even pretty, and let’s face it, it’s in the basement. It doesn’t even come in designer colors!