The Heckler

My business meeting went OK. This is a tricky thing to figure out, it’s really a two-pronged business: one setup for private companies and another for public companies (I work with stock options and other related financial stuff). We have the private side pretty much covered as they are all small and manageable, but the public companies have much different needs, requiring someone with a lot of expertise. If I could clone myself my problem would be solved. The real issue is, I have no idea how much work we will get or when. I guess the best I can hope for is to find several people who are willing to be on call and hope that one of them will be available when we need them. If we don’t have anyone to do the work, we will have to turn it down, which happens more often than we’d like. It’s also become clear that if we want qualified people we are going to have to increase the rate we charge the clients, so we can increase the hourly rate for the consultants. They are billing me out at least $20/hr too low to match what the independent consultants are charging their clients, so why would they want to come and work with us? I've never been in charge like this before, it's a whole other level of stress.

Next week’s TV Guide horoscope (the trusted source for all things concerning my future) says that I’ve probably taken on too much at work and now I’m worried about my health. Also that I should cut back on my responsibilities or hire someone to help me. I’m trying, really I am!

I am probably boring the hell out of all three of you out there reading this, with all this professional crap. It’s good for me to write it out, sorry.

Oh, and I've been nominated by a colleague to run for a seat on the board of the local chapter of the national organization for people who do what I do. I am running against three lawyers -- I'm not sure if that increases my chances of winning or not. Does this make me a grown-up?

Going back to my last post about feeling like a fraud...this is something I’ve been battling my entire life. Once I get into a professional situation I do a good job, I even do things I didn’t think I could do, but the voices are not something I can just turn off. I’ve been giving a presentation, speaking intelligently and even being a little witty with my audience, and I can literally hear another voice in my head telling me I should sit down, I don’t know what I’m talking about, why did I think anyone would want to listen to me, etc. Like I am watching myself in a movie giving the presentation, heckling myself. This has happened at every interview I’ve ever had as well. This is called disassociation. My friend Helen over at Everyday Stranger was talking about this in a recent post. I don’t think I have a full-blown disorder, but I do think it’s something beyond what the normal person would encounter.

Many, many times in my life the voices have scared me out of trying something new. I’ve turned down chances to water ski, drive a fancy car and ride any amusement park ride that goes faster than Its A Small World. I was even too scared to follow the first love of my life back to England when I was 18. It's an inside joke between me and my husband that he will know that I am having a good time if I throw up.

For some odd reason, I was not afraid to start riding horses, an activity where this is actually some danger involved. My psyche is a strange place.

Speaking of horses, after my lesson this week I was leading Smoke back to his stall. We passed a gorgeous bay stallion named Oxbow and his owner at his stall. She was smiling at me in a way that called out for conversation, so I started rambling on about how I was letting Smoke eat grass in the sun so his coat would dry a little before I put him away but his coat was so thick now it wasn’t really working, blah blah. When I stopped talking she said quietly, “You should have your husband buy you a horse.” I instantly forgave her for insinuating that I couldn’t buy my own horse and said, “Oh, why is that?” “Because I can see that you love it,” she replied. I laughed and said, “Is it that obvious?” She smiled gently again and said that yes, it was pretty obvious. I told her I’d just started riding in the summer and felt like I was way behind the curve, starting at 42. She nodded and told me she was 49, had been riding for about a year and that Oxbow was her first horse. I’ve found a kindred spirit for sure.

This is Angel, one of my favorite horses at the farm.