Monday, October 23, 2006

I'm Still Here

I’ve been a bad blogger lately. Almost every day I think of things I could blog about, but somehow I never get around to putting words down. Which is not only bad for retaining readers, it’s bad for me – I do better when I have an outlet for all the stuff I carry around in my head.

So…where were we?

Oh yes, Manuela. Sigh. Her tragedy coming so close on the heels of our good friends’ in the UK had me reeling. I kept going back to her blog to read the updates and every time I did I would feel worse, but I couldn’t stay away, because I felt like I needed to let her know I was still there for her. When you’ve met someone in person I think there’s a deeper connection.

Physically I’ve been struggling lately. In case you didn’t memorize the list of Menopause Symptoms I posted a while back, #20 was gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain and nausea. I started taking Bean_o right before meals and that helped a bit, but now that I’ve been paying more attention to cause and effect I think I have somehow become lac_tose intolerant in the past three months. This royally sucks. Ice cream is a food group to me. Last night I had a Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia cone and I’ve been paying for it.

This has also been seriously affecting our sex life. Because nothing says, “Come and get me, tiger” like the aforementioned gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence and gas pain. Ugh. Sorry honey. So I’m going to add Lac_taid to my daily regimen and see if that helps any.

In better news, I just got my new passport. Canadian passports are only good for 5 years and they aren’t renewable. This means you have to do the application and prove you are who you say you are every.single.time the damn thing expires. What’s really stupid is they allow you to use your expired passport as a form of identification. You have to send two forms of Canadian identification that have both your picture and your signature, in the name you are using on the passport. Since the only documents I have that have my current name on them are my old passport and my permanent resident card, I have to send them both. So for the 6 weeks or so it takes them to process, I can’t leave the US, as I would be unable to get back in. Now I have free rein to jump on a plane at a moment’s notice. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

I’m sure part of my stomach issues are stress-related. In April I starting working for a financial consulting company co-owned by an old friend, and they’ve been throwing steady work my way. However, they really hired me to set up and run a new business line for the company, and I have a meeting tomorrow with the whole management team to discuss how we make this happen. This is a dream come true, really, but my self-esteem issues are flaring up and I’m feeling like a fraud. There are a dozen people I know off the top of my head who are more qualified and experienced than I am who should have this opportunity, not me. So far I’ve been proud of myself for the work I’ve been doing for them (some of it in new areas to me) and all the clients have been pleased, but there’s still that voice to deal with.

One other thing not lost on me is how my life is perfect for a new Mom. I set out when we first started trying to be working at least 75% of the time from home, remotely connected to clients. I’ve achieved this goal, but unfortunately never achieved the reason why that goal was set up in the first place. So again, I’m thinking, why do I have this easy life and no kids to take care of, when I know so many women with kids in daycare who are struggling? Sigh. The world is not fair, that’s why.


  1. Manuela's story really got to me...I cried and read her story several times.

    sorry about the gastro problems. I have to take an anti-inflamatory right now and it does a NUMBER on my stomach, giving me the same results. hang in there.

  2. I hope your meeting goes well tomorrow.
    UGH..the joys of fucked up hormones. It's wonderful.
    Give yourself a break, girl. ((HUGS))

  3. Good luck w/ your meeting and the new job. Stress can do a number on your gastro-intestinal tract (I speak from experience), so try to relax a little and don't worry so much! Hope you're feeling much better soon!

  4. Ah yes, preparing for the children who never come - like the house we bought when we got married. I recognise that one. I hope you get enough enjoyment out of your job that some of the changes you've made feel like the right answer even in the absence of children. And for goodness sake stop second guessing yourself -if the client is happy, you are doing a good job!

  5. Hi Donna,

    stress can make you very ill. Take care of yourself and don't listen to that nagging voice inside of your head about being a "fraud" or whatever discouraging things it might say. Count all of those good career successes and I'd suggest you give that little voice a swift kick in the ass. ;-)

    You are way fortunate to get to work at home. I did for many years, and it was so nice. I could take my horse for a lunchtime ride if I wanted to... Ah, the good old days. Now I'm saddled in a terrible bureaucratic nightmare place. The good news is that the other inmates are quite engaging and friendly for the most part.

    I can get quite down on the every other week that I don't have my children and they are with their dad. I look at the life my husband and I have built and ... oh well... this half-time schedule is the reality of my situation. I've decided to allow myself to feel this grief, something I hadn't really done before. Then it passes and I spend this time enjoying my puppies and my horses and my husband (and not necessarily in that order) to the utmost.

    Life's not fair. Very true statement. You'd be a wonderful mom.

    Pax. Kimberly

  6. Manuela's story has made me very sad too. In fact, it has haunted me these past few days.
    One of my best friend's just had her baby the other day. I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I couldn't make myself go to the hospital yesterday because it was a teary pity-party day for me and I wasn't sure I could control my emotions. There are definitely days when life's disappointments become forefront and center.
    Good luck with your meeting and know that it will go well. You are perfect for the job, and that's why you were hired!
    Menopause and farting! that why I haven't been able to control myself! ;)
    My major complaint this month was hip pain. I felt like an 80 yr old woman for about a week.

  7. I can so relate to the gastro issues! I'm hoping you get some relief soon.

    I'm rooting for you in your meeting tomorrow. Break a leg, and I can't wait to hear how it goes!

  8. YOU ARE NO FRAUD!!!! I hope that deep down you know that. You're doing an excellent job juggling all of the things that have come your way recently!

    As for the gastro problems - yeah, that is no fun. And not so sexy-feeling. I think we've all been through at least a short wave of that type of thing. I hope the lactaid works.

    You have worked hard and you deserve your life and lifestyle more than anyone I know. You should try to enjoy it and you should never feel guilty about it. You deserve it - never forget that! -Kym