Therapy

My last set of x-rays looked good so my orthopedist turned me over to a sadist...um, I mean, a physical therapist. I've had two sessions with her and I've been doing the exercises she gave me to do every couple of hours, as I'm able. I am getting a lot more mobility, but I am paying a price for that. I am back to being in pretty much constant pain and watching the clock for the next time I can take pain medicine. I know this will all be over in a few weeks but right now, it's tough.

Unfortunately my Miss isn't faring much better. The medicine they put on her fetlock under the wrap caused a skin irritation and now her heel is all scabby and dry and cracked and smells nasty. The vet said just to use a different topical ointment (I don't know what any of these ointments are called), but we are getting concerned that it is taking so long to heal. I think she just doesn't want to work unless I am able to work with her.

I had a job interview this week. On the surface it seems like the ideal job for me, lateral salary plus a yearly bonus plus stock (it's a public company), a manager role and a company that doesn't look like it's going to shut its doors next quarter. Yet, somehow I am not excited. I didn't get a lot of feedback from the interviewer, who would be my manager, but I think that had more to do with the fact that she didn't know how to interview than her opinion of my experience. I was rather surprised when she said she would set up a second interview for next week at the end of our discussion, so I'm focusing on that and trying to let my read on her not being impressed go. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get a good paying job and quickly, as we cannot survive on two unemployment checks, and I think that's playing a large part in my ambivalence, I feel like this is my responsibility.

Thankfully there is more than one kind of therapy. May I introduce to you, the marvelous Marvin, born FINALLY after an entire year in the oven last Wednesday morning. These picures were taken when he was less than 2 days old, so I think it's a good thing he didn't wait one more day, he's so tall!

Barn Signs

I have little news but a lot of words swirling around inside my head, but getting them out one letter at a time using my right index finger is just too daunting.

So I will just share a couple of barn signs and hope they bring a smile to your day.

Two Down

This handsome little guy lives on the farm next door to where Missy lives. I'm sure he has a name already but I call him Black Bart -- he looks like he's got a bit of scoundrel in him.

Today we went down to the farm with the plan to at least put Miss in the round pen and let her get some exercise. When we arrived my trainer was just about to lunge her so D groomed her and put on her front and bell boots. Willow noticed her left hind leg looked a bit swollen, and as soon as she started to trot a limp became very pronounced. She was done for the day and for the next several days at least. We ran cold water over it for a while, and when I checked there was a strong pulse at the fetlock so she's probably getting an abcess.

She was having so much trouble getting up the hill back to her stall that I started to cry...I just can't stand to see her in pain. *sigh* I suppose if there was ever a good time for her to be lame it's now, when I can't ride, but she's already been off for almost 3 weeks due to my injury and her teeth, and needed to get back to being ridden.

Once again, I am powerless to change these circumstances, and that's not helping my already fragile psyche. Things have got to get better from here.

Setback

Just to keep things interesting I'll continue to post pictures during my recovery. This gorgeous creature is Maximo (Max), a thoroughbred showhorse of some undisclosed discipline who recently retired at my barn. He's enormous, probably 17.4 hh, but a real sweetheart who always comes over to greet anyone who ventures near his stall. I regret I'll probably never see anyone ride him, he looks like he'd be a great mover.

Last week I was finally feeling pretty good physically, as long as I kept the sling tight the pain was under control. I even drove myself to a much-needed hair appointment then had lunch with a girlfriend on Wednesday. Friday at my 3 week follow-up appointment with my orthopedist they took new x-rays and he said he could see some bone healing and the humeral head was still aligned correctly with the connecting bone, so he told me to loosen the sling, stop wearing the waist belt and spend 15 minutes a few times a day out of the sling. During that time I'm supposed to start trying to straighten the arm and eventually drop it down and swing it freely. He took the sling off briefly during the exam and had me straighten my arm as far as I could, then pushed on it further until I asked him to stop because it was too painful. He assured me the pain was from all the muscles that hadn't been used in a month and that I couldn't do any damage to the bone.

Later that night I took the sling off and started working on my arm, determined to begin the physical therapy process in earnest. Things were going well until I tried to move my freely swinging arm and was overwhelmed by pain. It was then I realized I'd had my arm out of the sling for almost an hour! I didn't think much of it and went to bed later using my custom setup of various pillows to create the right angle.

I was awoken at about 4:30 am by a pain in my ribcage so intense I didn't know if I needed to throw up or pass out, all I could do was writhe in agony, crying hurt too much as every time I breathed in I was stabbed under my left breast.

Loosening the sling, overdoing it with the movement and having my heavy arm crushed against my ribs for three weeks had apparently caused some imflammation, or perhaps I had pulled a muscle, I don't know. I have so much respect for anyone who has been through a rib injury, I don't think actually breaking my shoulder hurt that much.

My husband and Darv0cet somehow pulled me down off the ceiling but I have been suffering for the past 4 days. It was so discouraging to go from feeling almost normal with a sling to not being able to move without pain again. I still can't breathe in sharply or deeply and I am terrified of sneezing, but I would guess I'm about 75% back to normal as far as the ribs go. However, now that I am moving the arm a bit (in careful, slow, no-more-than-15-minute-timed-intervals), other muscles are starting to complain, mostly along my shoulder blade, and there are hard little knots between my neck and collarbone. I am trying to tell myself that means I am healing but part of me is saying, "Screw that, I just want to not be in pain anymore." Having to go back on the Darv0cet after nearly weaning myself off of it feels like a failure.

As an aside, my mother suffered one ailment/condition/affliction after another (real and imagined) throughout my entire childhood, this is a huge part of why I am so hard on myself when I am ill or injured, I see it as false, a way to get attention and to play the martyr. One thing I never understood was her practice of using similes and metaphors to describe her pain --for example, a headache would feel like someone shoving an ice pick into her forehead -- as if anyone, let alone a child, could possibly have any reference point to what she was saying.

Meanwhile, Friday is my last day of official employment. My benefits run through the end of April, my disability claim has been approved through May 10 and I will be getting some severance, but I am still very worried. Money is so tight at companies, competition is so fierce and the fact that I've spent the last 3 years as a consultant has already cost me an interview. I'm trying really hard to keep the negative voices under control but sometimes they get the best of me and I become overwhelmed with self-pity, worry and anger. Normal, right?

It's My Party

Here's another of those wonderful old posters, I can almost imagine that's me in the jaunty hat and gloves.

My current/former employer continues to play games, apparently thinking that the contradictory statements they keep throwing out about me to various people inside and outside the company (and I use the term "contradictory statements" well-advisedly) won't get back to me. Just because I don't have access to my company email anymore doesn't mean I'm totally out of the loop.

I feel like I've gotten through the worst of this, I can stand to have the sling taken off, my shirt changed and the sling put back on without feeling like I am going to pass out. However, I am extremely emotional and end up in tears at least once a day. There seems to be two sides to everything these days. I can now sleep for 6 hours without waking up, but when I do, I wake up in considerable pain. For the next few days I'm going to set an alarm for 3 hours from lights out to try to avoid this...pain is no way to start the day.

I am not a patient person, which makes me a terrible patient. I wonder how those two very different meanings can fit inside the same word.

Here's a partial list of things I cannot do -- right now:

• lie down
• cut meat
• open a pill bottle
• groom, tack or ride my horse
• blow dry my hair
• walk for any distance
• fold laundry

And, because I'm really trying here, a partial list of things I can do -- right now:

• drive my car (with extra care and caution)
• wash my face and brush my teeth
• work the computer mouse and type with one finger
• put in my contacts (this takes patience but is possible)
• make coffee and tea
• grow beautiful long fingernails
• sing along with my favorite tunes, off-key and unapolegetic

Miss gets her teeth floated on Thursday, she's overdue for her yearly appointment. It's been apparent for a while that her mouth has been bothering her, even in a hackamore she's been fighting me and throwing her head around for a month or so. No doubt this contributed to her pissy mood 2 weeks ago when she walked away from the mounting block. (Very painful) lesson learned: sometimes saving money by postponing necessary vet work turns out to be a very bad idea.

Rainbow Warrior

The bruising continues to move and change, but not diminish. Now there is a lot more color on the outside of my arm, starting just below the actual break point. When this happened, even after I found out I had broken a bone, I really had no idea how badly I was injured. I'm sure that most of the pain is being caused by damage to every muscle, tendon, joint and ligament in the area. I'm still not convinced that the two pops I heard weren't my shoulder dislocating and relocating (is that the right terminology?).

I'd love to be able to enjoy some of those quieter pursuits that Val mentioned, but even reading is difficult as I can't use my left arm to hold a book, or to do anything else for that matter. Walking or even riding in a car for anything other than short distances is too jarring, and using the computer is an excruciatingly slow process. I hope you all appreciate my efforts, blogging about this helps me to not feel so isolated.

All I know is that pain is a harsh mistress and I'm not handling this very well.

This helps...but I won't be able to find it much longer.

Purple Haze

I've spent the last week in a haze of pain and pain meds, living in 3-hour increments on a 24-hour schedule. My left arm is in a sling and strapped tightly to my body, I feel like a half a swaddled infant. Doing even the most insignificant, mundane things takes time, perserverance and assistance. I am grateful that I broke my left shoulder -- had it been my right I would be a complete invalid. I can work a mouse and type with my right index finger, so working on the computer is possible, albeit at a much slower pace than I'm used to. My orthopedist said it was a bad break and a good one: bad in that there are multiple cracks running all the way through the base of the humeral head bone, but good in that the ball is still perfectly aligned with the rest of the bone, so surgery will not be required. My arm will be immobilized for another two weeks minimum, at which time new x-rays will be taken and a recovery plan will be put in place.

Given the fact that I was in the middle of a transition plan after being laid off when I was injured and it became clear that I could no longer work, in order to preserve as much accrued vacation time as possible I have decided to apply for state disability. Dealing with both of these issues simultaneously has been incredibly stressful, and seeing the true colors of people I liked and trusted in my professional life has been demoralizing, frustrating and terribly disappointing. Never again will I consider a boss a friend, a lesson you would have thought a professional woman in her mid-40's would have learned long ago.

Emotionally I feel quite broken as well, splintered and cracked. I realize that when you add narcotics, pain, sleep deprivation, financial stress, and loss of mobility and independence together you get a potent toxic brew, and I've been trying to rest and relax as much as I can.

I'm scared of Tucker, our extremely exuberant Golden; he's completely oblivious to the sling and the change in my actions and demeanor. It would be very easy to get bumped by him or lose my balance as he raced past me. Bailey, on the other hand, has become my protector and almost constant companion, my therapy dog has put his work vest back on. D has been incredibly patient and caring, taking care of my every need. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through the last week without him. Thank goodness his temporary job doesn't start for another week, perhaps the one lucky break in all this mess.

We stopped by the barn to see Miss on the way home from the orthopedist. I breathed in the sweet earthy smell of the place and felt my shoulders relax...but as I approached her stall I instinctively covered my left arm with my right and realized with great sadness that I was afraid of her too. She isn't one of those horses that will stand quietly while you pet her, she is always pushing her nose into you, sniffing for treats and moving around. I fed her a few cookies and got in a few satisfying moments of contact with her warm silky coat, but then I had to step away. Her big sister Somerset is one of those gentle pettable horses and I was able to stand next to her for a few minutes stroking her soft nose and under her forelock, even resting my forehead against her neck.

I have two solid job leads and I'm hopeful I will have phone interviews this week. I'm concerned that the visual first impression of the sling and the reality that I wouldn't be able to start work for another 4 to 5 weeks will cost me an opportunity. In any other job market I would feel confident that an employer that wanted the best candidate would be willing to wait but these are not normal times. That's yet another way that I feel helpless, but all I can do is my best and that includes working at keeping as positive an attitude as I can. My friends and family are rallying around me -- my mother even called outside of the obligatory birthday and Christmas telephone conversation schedule after my sister told her what happened -- and I know this will be over with before I know it. A blink of an eye in the grand scheme of time. A mandatory rest stop on my own amazing race. In the meantime, drop me a note if you can, and I don't care if that's a shameless call for comments.