Wordless Wednesday

Invisible Ocean

My favorite way to get to the farm is down a shady winding road that starts at my house at some 2,500 feet above sea level, snaking it's way down the backbone of the mountain ridge separating the ocean from the valley, heavily wooded on both sides. About two thirds of the way down the hill the university-owned land begins, alternating between forest and lovely open meadows with bike trails. I adore meadows, they are one of my favorite landscapes. After a series of hairpin turns further down the road, all of a sudden the road straightens out, the trees disappear and the vista you see pictured here appears. On a clear day you can almost see forever (or Japan), with the sky and the water clearly demarcated different shades of blue behind the emerald green fields speckled with purple lupus and orange California poppies. On a foggy or hazy day, the ocean completely disappears and it takes a real leap of faith to still believe that its really there.

On Thursday I accepted the offer put forward by the large software company that has been vetting me for the past month. In four separate visits to two different campuses I was interviewed 10 times by 7 different people, 3 times by my manager. This position has been open since last November when they let go the prior resident of my new desk, but having a consultant in the role has meant they could take their sweet time and interview many different candidates. In fact, they had hired another candidate recently who ended up getting very ill and would not be able to start for six months or longer, so they mutually agreed that she would decline. This re-opened the position and gave me the opportunity to let them know they should take another look at me. I worked very hard to get this job, it's the only job that I am aware of at my experience and salary level in my field of experience in the entire state, never mind my general geographical area. I should feel lucky indeed not only to land a job, especially one that maintains my prior salary plus gives me equity in the company (stock), and all the standard benefits you would expect. Add to that the cache of working for an-almost-household-name which is well-respected by employees and their peers and is not doing layoffs, and...well, what else could I really ask for. Did I mention an 800-acre pasture boarding horse facility is at the end of the block? I will post pictures of that in a separate post.

I should feel lucky, and I do. I am sure that if I did not get this job I would be completely apoplectic within a month. However, I am having a lot of difficulty getting excited about the opportunity. Ambivalent doesn't even cover it. The truth is I am overwhelmed. Not by the job itself, I've had this job a dozen times with a different wrapper, but by the sheer physical task of waking up early, choosing an outfit, doing hair and makeup, driving an hour on crowded freeways to get there then being in corporate world for 8+ hours. Every.single.day. I realize that this is normal, what almost every working person in the world does, and in fact I did it myself for over 20 years. But, I haven't done it for more than 5 years and in that time I enjoyed increasing autonomy and flexibility, working from home about half the time. I feel like I am giving up a lot and I'm resentful that it wasn't on my timetable.

Also, I have never owned a horse and worked full-time before. I went to see my orthopedist last Friday and he sentenced me to six more weeks of physical therapy. He said by the end of that time I will have lost the ability to gain any more range of motion, whatever I've got by the time the scar tissue sets is all I'm going to get. I know six weeks is a long time, but I believe I need to prepare myself for the possibility that I will not get back to 100% use of my left arm. I will ride again, I have no doubt about that, but I need to be realistic.

I had hoped to negotiate being able to leave early a couple of days a week so I could get to the farm in time to ride, but now that I will have to arrive late twice a week because of physical therapy, that's not going to be possible. This is a critical time in our relationship, with both of us getting over injury and downtime, and I don't think I need to tell anyone that a thoroughbred mare in her prime is not a weekender kind of horse.

Right now the ocean has disappeared. I have to believe it's still there behind all the cloud cover and I will need some help to make that leap of faith. I do believe that it's time for some (more) professional help, in fact. I looked up my old therapist the other day and bookmarked his contact information.

Beach Flora & Fauna

The interview process continues at my only job lead...I don't want to jinx anything so I will leave it at that and update when it's over, one way or another.

Physical therapy continues to be painful but extremely beneficial, and I am committed to increasing my range of motion every day. This means pushing myself past the pain to move my arm just a little bit further each time. At times I am still discouraged and frustrated and depressed, but now I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Mother's Day is always a very tough day for me. I'm not a mother -- and wanted to be one -- and I am estranged from my own mother. I sent her a card but I did not want to speak to her, she just called me last month and I really have nothing to say to her. A woman who has acted as my surrogate Mom for many years is also missing from my life right now, but I am hopeful that this situation can change.

In the meantime, enjoy the beauty of our dogs' favorite walk along the beach; this is about 15 minutes from home.

Therapy

My last set of x-rays looked good so my orthopedist turned me over to a sadist...um, I mean, a physical therapist. I've had two sessions with her and I've been doing the exercises she gave me to do every couple of hours, as I'm able. I am getting a lot more mobility, but I am paying a price for that. I am back to being in pretty much constant pain and watching the clock for the next time I can take pain medicine. I know this will all be over in a few weeks but right now, it's tough.

Unfortunately my Miss isn't faring much better. The medicine they put on her fetlock under the wrap caused a skin irritation and now her heel is all scabby and dry and cracked and smells nasty. The vet said just to use a different topical ointment (I don't know what any of these ointments are called), but we are getting concerned that it is taking so long to heal. I think she just doesn't want to work unless I am able to work with her.

I had a job interview this week. On the surface it seems like the ideal job for me, lateral salary plus a yearly bonus plus stock (it's a public company), a manager role and a company that doesn't look like it's going to shut its doors next quarter. Yet, somehow I am not excited. I didn't get a lot of feedback from the interviewer, who would be my manager, but I think that had more to do with the fact that she didn't know how to interview than her opinion of my experience. I was rather surprised when she said she would set up a second interview for next week at the end of our discussion, so I'm focusing on that and trying to let my read on her not being impressed go. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get a good paying job and quickly, as we cannot survive on two unemployment checks, and I think that's playing a large part in my ambivalence, I feel like this is my responsibility.

Thankfully there is more than one kind of therapy. May I introduce to you, the marvelous Marvin, born FINALLY after an entire year in the oven last Wednesday morning. These picures were taken when he was less than 2 days old, so I think it's a good thing he didn't wait one more day, he's so tall!

Barn Signs

I have little news but a lot of words swirling around inside my head, but getting them out one letter at a time using my right index finger is just too daunting.

So I will just share a couple of barn signs and hope they bring a smile to your day.

Two Down

This handsome little guy lives on the farm next door to where Missy lives. I'm sure he has a name already but I call him Black Bart -- he looks like he's got a bit of scoundrel in him.

Today we went down to the farm with the plan to at least put Miss in the round pen and let her get some exercise. When we arrived my trainer was just about to lunge her so D groomed her and put on her front and bell boots. Willow noticed her left hind leg looked a bit swollen, and as soon as she started to trot a limp became very pronounced. She was done for the day and for the next several days at least. We ran cold water over it for a while, and when I checked there was a strong pulse at the fetlock so she's probably getting an abcess.

She was having so much trouble getting up the hill back to her stall that I started to cry...I just can't stand to see her in pain. *sigh* I suppose if there was ever a good time for her to be lame it's now, when I can't ride, but she's already been off for almost 3 weeks due to my injury and her teeth, and needed to get back to being ridden.

Once again, I am powerless to change these circumstances, and that's not helping my already fragile psyche. Things have got to get better from here.

Setback

Just to keep things interesting I'll continue to post pictures during my recovery. This gorgeous creature is Maximo (Max), a thoroughbred showhorse of some undisclosed discipline who recently retired at my barn. He's enormous, probably 17.4 hh, but a real sweetheart who always comes over to greet anyone who ventures near his stall. I regret I'll probably never see anyone ride him, he looks like he'd be a great mover.

Last week I was finally feeling pretty good physically, as long as I kept the sling tight the pain was under control. I even drove myself to a much-needed hair appointment then had lunch with a girlfriend on Wednesday. Friday at my 3 week follow-up appointment with my orthopedist they took new x-rays and he said he could see some bone healing and the humeral head was still aligned correctly with the connecting bone, so he told me to loosen the sling, stop wearing the waist belt and spend 15 minutes a few times a day out of the sling. During that time I'm supposed to start trying to straighten the arm and eventually drop it down and swing it freely. He took the sling off briefly during the exam and had me straighten my arm as far as I could, then pushed on it further until I asked him to stop because it was too painful. He assured me the pain was from all the muscles that hadn't been used in a month and that I couldn't do any damage to the bone.

Later that night I took the sling off and started working on my arm, determined to begin the physical therapy process in earnest. Things were going well until I tried to move my freely swinging arm and was overwhelmed by pain. It was then I realized I'd had my arm out of the sling for almost an hour! I didn't think much of it and went to bed later using my custom setup of various pillows to create the right angle.

I was awoken at about 4:30 am by a pain in my ribcage so intense I didn't know if I needed to throw up or pass out, all I could do was writhe in agony, crying hurt too much as every time I breathed in I was stabbed under my left breast.

Loosening the sling, overdoing it with the movement and having my heavy arm crushed against my ribs for three weeks had apparently caused some imflammation, or perhaps I had pulled a muscle, I don't know. I have so much respect for anyone who has been through a rib injury, I don't think actually breaking my shoulder hurt that much.

My husband and Darv0cet somehow pulled me down off the ceiling but I have been suffering for the past 4 days. It was so discouraging to go from feeling almost normal with a sling to not being able to move without pain again. I still can't breathe in sharply or deeply and I am terrified of sneezing, but I would guess I'm about 75% back to normal as far as the ribs go. However, now that I am moving the arm a bit (in careful, slow, no-more-than-15-minute-timed-intervals), other muscles are starting to complain, mostly along my shoulder blade, and there are hard little knots between my neck and collarbone. I am trying to tell myself that means I am healing but part of me is saying, "Screw that, I just want to not be in pain anymore." Having to go back on the Darv0cet after nearly weaning myself off of it feels like a failure.

As an aside, my mother suffered one ailment/condition/affliction after another (real and imagined) throughout my entire childhood, this is a huge part of why I am so hard on myself when I am ill or injured, I see it as false, a way to get attention and to play the martyr. One thing I never understood was her practice of using similes and metaphors to describe her pain --for example, a headache would feel like someone shoving an ice pick into her forehead -- as if anyone, let alone a child, could possibly have any reference point to what she was saying.

Meanwhile, Friday is my last day of official employment. My benefits run through the end of April, my disability claim has been approved through May 10 and I will be getting some severance, but I am still very worried. Money is so tight at companies, competition is so fierce and the fact that I've spent the last 3 years as a consultant has already cost me an interview. I'm trying really hard to keep the negative voices under control but sometimes they get the best of me and I become overwhelmed with self-pity, worry and anger. Normal, right?